Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I don't post a lot about losing Hadley and sometimes I wonder if because I don't people think that I am "okay" now. It has been almost two years and the grief is still overwhelming. I have yet to find peace with all that happened and as each day passes and my survivors continue to grow into amazing little people I am reminded of all that we have lost by not getting to experience each day with our daughter. But I know too that I have been given the gift of truly understanding how precious life is and will never take a moment with my children for granted.

Another bereaved mom shared this with me and I think it expresses how I feel perfectly...

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper. Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking. It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, their first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.


Liz said...

Thanks for sharing that Jessica.

Allison said...

Yes, that sums it up perfectly - thanks for posting this. Hugs to you in the next few weeks!

Anonymous said...

That says a lot. Especially that fourth paragraph. Even though Caitlin was stillborn, I think all the time that it doesn't matter, the 30 weeks I carried her, we lived her life out countless times. I'll be thinking of you these coming weeks.

Anonymous said...

I found it! Thanks for sharing, Jessica. I love it and it really hits home. I just sent it to some of my family. I agree with Amy about the living out his life part...so so true. I think that is one part people have a really hard time understanding. So many hopes and dreams for our sweet angels.
Big hug. Heather

Nan & Mike said...

Hi hon, I still think of you often and wonder how you are doing. Thank you for sharing. I will be sending you a little "somethin" soon. Lots of hugs, Nan xo

Shellie said...

Jessica, what a nice blog. I've seen this piece before, it really hits home.

Nan & Mike said...

Hi - I dont have your email address so I am sending this via comment! From my angel girls to your sweet angel, I hope they play together forever. Hugs, Nan xo

Heather said...

Amen. Thinking of you and Hadley.

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