A Hugging Confession

I am not a hugger.

I believe this is one reason why I am somewhat addicted to blogging and can easily pour my heart out with every tippity-tap of a key.

I can handle a virtual hug.

I can vent about the ugliness of grief or the insanity of day-to-day life and take in each and every comment I receive of support, or of I've been there, or geez am I glad I'm not there, and feel completely comfortable accepting as many comment hugs as are dished out from the caring people who read my words.

But a real hug?  I believe, to quote my mother, I am like "hugging a piece of plywood."  Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy doesn't it??

Let me digress here to stop you from feeling sorry for my touch-deprived children and husband.  I hug them, I hug them all constantly and accept their hugs with open arms.  I can do this with ease.  Go ahead and psychoanalyze.  If you figure out why please let me know (private email is preferred to a public comment explaining my warped psychological state to the blogosphere).

I believe I cannot hug because I have wound myself a bit too tight.  I am clutching pieces finely crafted into staying together.  One of those pieces fears that if I fall into a hug, the rest of them may come tumbling down and we just can't have that happen.  There is too much to do, plus I have a tendency towards the "ugly cry."

So yesterday we went to our first day of three year-old storytime and I believe the mix of a class brimming with little girls, explaining they are not twins too many times and a touch of pms, caused me to be acutely aware of that ever-present hole.  Sitting there, singing the pizza song, I pictured being the triplet mom I should be and my world stopped.   My boys, being the Mommy-loving little people that every mom with a son told me they would be, instinctively came to my rescue.  Sawyer into my lap, chubby baby arms circling my neck, and Parker balancing on my knee, skinny elbows folding over my shoulder, and those little boy hugs?

They sent my pieces crumbling.

Without a single word, swimming in a sea of three year-olds shouting out their favorite pizza topping, my boys told me what all those well-meaning huggers have been trying to say for years.

You are safe.  You are surrounded by love.  Let the pieces fall.

And I did.

Dear Daddy- Why We Didn't Get All the Groceries

I better start this one by saying that, yep, all this stuff happened.  My two and a half feet of wisdom could not make this mountain of disaster up...

Mommy and her long list took us to the grocery store and once we went through those magic doors that open when my little self enters, Mommy's list got short, Daddy, real short.  First that fancy car cart was not so fancy 'cause it only had one seat belt.  One seat belt for no kids who will sit still is bad news.

Our ride, sans us, for some reason Mommy could not get a blog-worthy pic

Mommy put the strap for holding-you-down-so-you-can't-join-the-party on lucky old me. Parker got to drive and Ms. Fancy Pants Kenna sat her happy self on the floor.  Not the floor of our cart, the floor of the dirty-as-a-potty ground.  You know her, wanted her own cart and wasn't budging 'til she got it.  Mommy fed her that "special treat" nonsense she dangles over our heads whenever we go somewhere and lucky for our grocery list she bought it, and started pushing me and Parker's car, all fakey nice, like she was going to be the perfectest sister the rest of our trip.

Since my crib is calling my name, I better skip a couple aisles, tantrums, getting-in-and-out-of-the-carts and put-that-backs and get down to the good stuff.  

Now picture us in the milk section, Daddy...

Pretty much no one was in the cart (except my legs, one, two if Mommy was lucky) and by now one of the Crazy amongst us was carrying an apple with squoosh spots and a bite out of it, a deck of cards and wearing her rainbow jello, I was trying (with decent success I must say) to climb out the dashboard of my car, Mommy was catching me and squishing me back in with her hair all crazy in her face while she was blocking our basket with one leg so Kenna couldn't throw anymore juices in, when she remembered the other piece of our Crazy.  Lucky she looked between her yellow hairs that minute because she almost missed an amazing feat.  Parker, my idol of carnival proportion stunts, was hard at work.  Stacking and stacking breads and standing on them real good so they smushed so nice and then getting more and more and more, 'cause that coffee cream on the top shelf was calling his name, I heard it.  (You drink coffee when you are three? Can't wait.  I think I'll take mine black, or maybe double sugar, double breast milk?  Hmmm, decisions.).  Well, either way, I don't have to tell you that Mommy shut down his side show which set off fireworks of the Parker kind.  (We will never truly know what that boy can accomplish.)

In the middle of our show, a lady was watching us with her lips white-together.  Mommy said, "I'm sure you wish you were me right now" (I think she was being snarkastic, Ms. Jill) and that lady just asked Mommy to hand her a cream.  Mommy wanted to tell her where she could put her cream but she bited her tongue for my baby ears.

So things got even better at check out.  For the Crazies, not for me... totally strapped in at this point, just here for the show I guess.  Those silly store people put those shiny Easter egg candies right where three year-olds could reach and Mommy could barely unload the cart 'cause those eggs were a rollin' and a flyin'.  Oh and the apple from aisle whatever that was?  Kenna dropped it when she was blocking Mommy from pulling chocolate eggs out of her mouth, Parker kicked it to me, my car made the save and Mommy had even more to pay her money for.

And for the grand finale, because there is one, of course...

Mommy put Parker back in the car with me and as one last goodbye, he waved out my window and then, hold on to your seat Daddy...

   threw his perfectly detached steering wheel out the other window (so we could watch it roll away at that man getting the baskets, of course).  That boy, I tell you, he never disappoints.  Never!

Oh and Daddy, we forgot your Coke but don't worry, Mommy says we are going back when hell freezes over so we'll get it then.

Love the only one who can't unbuckle his grocery car seatbelt,

Sawyer


  

On To the Next Phase

After my last pregnancy and subsequent life threatening delivery, I was told by my doctor that I should not have anymore children.

Being one who does not like to be told what to do and who also tends to want another newborn the minute my last child (or children) drop the first sign of babyhood, I did not appreciate this warning.

Since that day I have been secretly dreaming of how to expand our family one person more.  I have thought about surrogacy and adoption and just about every other alternative to having just one more.  (If you know me in real life, I hope you were already fanning yourself during this confession, we don't need anyone passing out while blog reading.)

BUT

I think I'm done.  The dream is over.

I have been around a baby or two lately and the itch is gone.  I love holding them and breathing in that baby-soap scent but lately I am oddly content to give them back and return to running and playing with my active bunch while carrying a glass of wine (ooooh or a margarita) because I can.  My body is no longer inhabited by or providing nourishment for another being, and I can have a drink if I want to and sip extreme amounts of caffeine and take medication that actually works for a headache.

The baby phase of mommyhood is as amazing as it is challenging but I am not there anymore.  I am the mom to a strong-willed toddler and crazy three year olds and a moody teenager.  I have finally freed myself from the waiting-for-one-more baby stage and am content right where we are at.

The cradle is headed for craigslist and my maternity clothes are taking a one way trip to the Salvation Army.

As I said yesterday.

We are good.

Official title holder of the coveted "Youngest" spot

Stay tuned for next week's post:  Oops Honey, did I say that?  Let's go ahead and get that vasectomy reversed.

Small Things Saturday

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The Small Thing that I am trying to appreciate every second of, is the last of the babyness in this house,

because it is almost gone.

I can feel the moments of baby-life ticking away as my littlest man tries to convince us he's just as big as everyone else around here.

So today, and every day that there is still some "baby" left, I'm going to soak up chubby baby hands and slobbery kisses and long cuddles and that diaper-filled waddle and the messy face of a baby whose spoon doesn't quite go where he wants it to yet.

My baby days are numbered and I'm living them up.

What Small Thing are you taking the time to appreciate today?

Dear Daddy- Public Restroom, the Sequel

Well it's over.  You are going back to work and I have waited as long as I can to write.  There is only so much patience packed into this 19 month-old chunk of love.

I got a little spoiled these two weeks.  Two parents home, sugar, new toys, the whole nine yards... walking AND having teeth at Christmas makes for a good gig.  I thought I wouldn't have anything to tattle tell you about but we split up that one time, at going-out-to-taco-dinner, and someone had to go potty (of course it was Kenna, we all know Parker just points and shoots wherever he pleases) and I don't have to tell you that two three year olds in a bathroom always gives me material....

So this time, the big potty room was closed and poor Mommy had to squish us in a tiny potty room.  Mr. Ants In His Pats just kept pushin' on the door and pushin' on the door and finally he fell right out while Mommy was holding up Kenna so her little butt didn't fall in that big hole.  For a minute Mommy was worried about Parker being out by those sinks and all that soap but then he said he was just sitting and, even though Mommy didn't remember seeing a chair, she told him okay and to stay still.  She kept talking to him while she was fixing up Kenna and he kept saying he was sitting nice so Mommy wasn't worried.  

He knows how to play the game, doesn't he?  

We could hear those waitress ladies (who only speak like us when they are seeing what we want to eat) playing in the sink water and talking their kind of talking and laughing and laughing but no way did that laughing have to do with Mr. Parker.

When Kenna was all done we headed out and Daddy, guess where Parker was??  He found one of those shiny cans you push, push, push your foot to open and was sitting with his skinny butt all the way in there.  He was looking so happy down in there with his smiley head holding that can top open you would have thought Santa was on his way.  Mommy was the color of my Christmas shirt (you know the one with the snowman) while she was pulling him out.  Even though Parker's so small, Mommy had to pull him lots and when she wiggled him loose he had all kinds of mushy papers sticking on his butt.  We both know how fun those were to peel off.  Mommy was just saying "wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands."  Which is like saying PARTY TIME to us, so we squirted soap and water, soap and water til Mommy got all those papers back in the shiny can and then we took our cloud of craziness and left.  

Pretty good for five minutes in a potty room, huh Dad?

Oh wait, let's relive my shiny Christmas vacation moment before I go...

Remember when we were having running naked time before bed (me and the Crazies, Daddy... get your mind out of the gutter) and all the sudden you said, "Stop, stop, Sawyer has something brown on his forehead!" and the whole world stood still while you tried to catch me and figure out what it was???

Oh, that was the best!!  A dab of dead leaf applied just so and you and Mommy were running scared.  I got you good.

Never a dull moment, Daddy, never a dull moment.


Have a good first day back, miss you already,

Sawyer, aka- the man behind the first poo scare of 2011

My Favorites of 2010, I Think

So the year is a few days from coming to a close and I'm full of I can't believe it went by so fast's, the kids are getting so old's and I wish time would slow down's so it is a perfect time for me to sift through my year of blogging and laugh and cry with myself and reflect on the crazy journey life has taken us on once again this year.

I found a great idea over at Scary Mommy that gave me an excuse to pour myself a glass of wine, listen to the song that sings "Hadley" to me playing in my blog background and scroll through my collection of posts, trying not to be to critical while finding my favorites of the year.

Thank you for reading and for being the great commenters, followers, family and friends that you are.  This blog has truly become my outlet and an amazing source of support.  I look forward to seeing where it takes me in 2011.

My favorites of 2010 (I think... it is hard to pick from your own work and I'm terrible at making decisions.  This list may change if I continue to overanalyze myself.  Oh and I did better as the year went on so maybe just skip the first couple months, k?)

January:  Memoir of a Teenager

February:  Sparkly Shoes

March:  The Youngest

April:  Belonging

May:  One Last Visit

June:  For Sale

July:  Stick

August:  Once Upon a Time

September:  Denial

October:  Today- A Letter to My Daughter

November:  The Up Side of Autism

December:  Dear Daddy- Tales from a Public Restroom

Dear Daddy- A Public Restroom Tale

Well another day, another drama.

Today we ended up in the one place that mom has been dreading since... well.... I don't know since when, but this is the one place she had nightmares about.

The potty room.  
The big kind, with the walls and the doors, and lots of potties in a place that is not our house.

She thinks they are germy and can handle one with a kid or two, but has been shaking in her boots for the day that she had to cram us all in there and today was it.

We were out and about and everybody had to go and you know those Crazies, they could not WAIT to try a new potty.  (Not me Dad, you know me... just go when I need to and sit in it til someone's downwind.  I'm low maintenance that way.)

So Mommy took all of us and the diaper bag and our coats and hats and gloves (boy, does she love winter) to the potty.  As soon as we got in we all went running for those swinging doors.  The ladies on the other side kept saying "I'm in here!" but that was okay, we just rattled away at those doors anyway.

Mommy waited for the big room and squished us all in.  While Mommy got Parker all set, I layed on that cold floor and Daddy, I could see shoes for miles.  Mommy made me get up and scrubbed my cheek with a wipe while she held Parker on the potty and, since Mommy was busy and Kenna is no dummy, she took the opportunity to squeeze that paper roll right down the potty behind Parker's butt.  I pushed the flusher for her and we laughed and laughed.  Parker didn't laugh (his butt got extra wet) and neither did Mommy (not her kind of fun I guess).

Anyway, then Kenna went potty and Mommy dragged us out of that little room and tried to wash our hands but I loved this place so much I started unloading the diaper bag so we could stay a while.  Mommy said "no, no, no!" but I just smiled and chucked it all.  She started packing my unpacking job and while she was down, we all headed for the hills.  Mommy chased us with all kinds of our stuff falling off her arms and she thought the party was over but we weren't done yet.  Well we were but Parker wasn't.

He poked his arm back in there real quick and turned off the lights on all those shoes under the doors just waiting for us to get out.  The boy is genius.  Can you imagine being in there when the lights went out??  I bet no one could see a thing.  I'm glad my diaper-butt was already on the other side!

So anyway, just wanted you to know we are all safe and sound now.  I'm blogging, Mommy's sanitizing the bazillion things that hit the potty room floor (she said alcohol works, I think she is taking a swig or two).

Oh and when you have your Christmas time at home Daddy, I think you might need to give Mommy a day (or ten) off.  Because seriously....

now is not the time to break it to her, but this is probably not her last trip to a potty room with these hooligans...

Love Mommy's favorite child because I'm still in a diaper,

Sawyer

Dear Daddy

Me again Daddy.  I guess you have figured out by now that if I'm writing it means two things, I've got material and Mommy's burned out.

So here is how we did her in today.

Since her little Mommy and Me mishap our Tuesdays are now wide open so today we went somewhere we have never been before... to one of those indoor germ factories play places.  Mommy heard this one was clean and good for little ones so we gave it a go.

I loved it Daddy, I climbed and played and tried to keep up with the Crazies but, well, you know how they run, I ended up just hanging with Mommy.  

The Crazies found a friend and sure enough it was a little girl just their size.  The Crazies just loved that little girl and they said they were a "team" and kept going down the slides together holding hands.  Mommy was trying to cheer for them but she couldn't because she had a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes, and I think she was telling herself that this is how life would be if Hadley was here.

I just let her keep holding me, Daddy.

Lucky for Mommy, more kids joined the "team" soon and she felt better.  But then (here is where Mommy got tears again) she heard someone say "watch out team, don't step in the pee pee" and she didn't even need to look, she knew that the person who belonged to the pee pee puddle belonged to her.   So Mommy climbed in and pulled Parker out and started to clean it up but the people at the front said they needed to do it and Mommy was secretly relieved.

Once we managed to quarantine the play area, Mommy changed Parker and we moved on to the cafe to see what damage could be done there.  We did pretty good, I sat nice (had no choice, she strapped me in) and the Crazies ate while they sat down, stood up, sat down, stood up... the usual ants in their pants routine.  Who could blame them though?  There was a big fat Christmas tree right in that cafe, those shiny ornaments are like magnets.  Parker (who else?) just could not sit in his seat and eat his grilled cheese so Mommy gave up and let him eat in front of the tree.

She packed us up and we left really nice.  Once we were outside and Mommy was hanging onto all of us like we might run (because we will) Mommy looked in the window and saw it... little piles of chewed up grilled cheese hanging right on that Christmas tree next to those ornaments Parker was loving.  Merry Christmas Play Place, Parker left you a present.

Oh and on your way in today Daddy, could you grab Kenna's car seat?  She peed in it really proudly on the way home and Mommy is about done with this pee business for the day.

Thanks Daddy.

Love,
Sawyer

Dear Daddy

Well Daddy, if I could talk I would have told Mommy that going to our little Mommy and Me class this morning was probably not a good idea.

She is that way she gets when only she can say she is crabby because if you say it, WATCH OUT and we had already used up lots of her patience before she even pulled out of the driveway and you know how Mommy thinks our teacher is a has-been preschool teacher who cannot get a job anywhere because she is a little on the obnoxious side and she never stops talking and asking questions that are none of her business?  Well I knew that this would not be a good day for Mommy to be in the same room as Mrs. Nevershutsup but she packed us up and took us anyway.

We did pretty good at school.  We made hand print turkeys and all the sudden I said a word.  It was  "YAY" and I was so happy with that word that I said it and said it and said it while I emptied every bin in the room.   McKenna sat a little close to kids that were not Parker today and Parker, he had ants in his pants as usual and Mommy had to hold him by the foot to keep a little bit of him at circle time but other than that no problems.  (Yay!)

But Mrs. Nevershutsup?  She was over the top today.  She was always talking in one of Mommy's ears while Mommy was trying to listen to us with the other.  She pried too much about Sissy and about your work and told Mommy stories that she could have lived her whole life just fine without hearing.  I knew we were in trouble once Mommy stopped talking to anyone over three feet tall and her eye started to twitch a little.

When it was time to leave I let Mommy put my coat on real fast so we could get out of there.  But Daddy, Mrs. Nevershutsup did not take a hint.  She FOLLOWED Mommy to the car and I knew we were headed for trouble.  She said she was helping but she just kept asking Mommy more none-of-her-business questions and I could hear Mommy thinking to herself that she should be nice and thankful that this woman was trying to help but Mommy decided she would be thankful for Parker and our automatic doors because he will push any button in front of him.  So Mommy got us in the car and put Parker by all those buttons and he pushed away and left Mrs. Nevershutsup out there in the parking lot asking us how much our van costs and why Mommy doesn't learn to sew so she can make our Christmas clothes.

Mommy knew she should open that door back up but she just could not do it.  She got us in our seats and climbed into hers and did her fakey-nice smile and waved to Mrs. Nevershutsup whose mouth was still moving outside that window.

One more place we can't go back to Daddy... but it was all Mommy this time.

Good thing you have a few days off this week, I'm sticking with you til Mommy's patience comes back.

Yay!, (had to get it in there one more time)

Sawyer

Parker being a turkey

McKenna with her turkeys (no picture of me, I hit the crib before Mommy lost the last of her mind)

Birth Day

In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I was asked to repost this for a friend and was glad to do it since it goes perfectly with my picture for Shutterlove Tuesday's theme today.

{Birthdays}

First moment with Sawyer, my little rainbow baby

Visit Trendy Treehouse to see many more entries.

Snakes and Snails and Puppydog Tails

Life with Parker can seem like mommy bootcamp at times.

The move has been no exception.

We have yet to childproof to the full extreme and my little man is taking full advantage.

In the last four days he has...

• let himself and his sister out of the house (one wearing nothing, one wearing a shirt) 
• dumped a large plant, creating a sandbox in the living room
• learned to open each new gate
• taken down each gate he cannot open
• started the dishwasher more times than I can count
• helped himself, and anyone else who is interested, to whatever they may want from the fridge
• taken off the handles that open our windows
• pulled down a blind or two
• connected, disconnected and reconnected all tvs, cable boxes and dvd players
• unrolled toilet paper, decorating both toilet and potty seat

     and last, but certainly not least in the clean up department... turned on the water supply to our washer BEFORE it was hooked up, transforming my new laundry room into an indoor waterpark.

I have to admit by today, 

okay maybe yesterday 

or the day before,

I had reached the why can't you just sit still for a second phase.

My patience was wearing very thin and my head was spinning from managing everyone and constantly keeping an eye on future prospects for trouble.  So today I tried to make a conscious effort to not lose my cool (or voice from yelling) and have some fun.

We hiked through the yard

Taken 2 seconds before Parker said "look there's berries" and I had to race in and redirect

and dug out every imaginable toy in hopes of running off troublemaking energy.

And I had intended to make this a big long rant post about the craziness of life with boys but then I flipped through the pictures I took

and found that *someone* wanted to remind me to cherish these precious, crazy, hang-on-to-them-while-you-have-them days.

Thanks Baby Girl.

Do you have a "life with boys" story?  I know there are more "Parkers" out there but our paths have yet to cross.  If you can relate, post your best story in the comments, whether it is from 2 days ago or 20 years ago, I would love to know I'm not alone :)

Finally!

He is a man of few words.

So few that speech therapy may be in his not too distant future.

I have been waiting to hear one word for

1 year

4 months

and 25 days

but I'm not counting

or repeating it to him 10,000 times a day.

"MOMMA" rolled right out of my sweet little 8 toothed rainbow baby's mouth today and reminded me that there is not a better job title in the world.

Wordless Wednesday- Naptime Invasion

Baby face

The theme this week for Shutterlove Tuesday is "Babies."  

I think this is my favorite baby picture ever and we have lots to chose from!

To view all of the baby entries this week visit the Trendy Treehouse...

It's official

he's big.

He stopped nursing,

dropped the baby toys,

can throw a tantrum with the best of them

and insists on feeding himself.

No one told him that he is supposed to grow up very, very slowly for his Mommy.

Oh and it is also official that he still needs me
and not just for diaper changes
for protection.

See those two little items on the floor?

I noticed them in the pictures as they were uploading so headed to the kitchen to investigate.

That would be the pieces that secure the side of his highchair to the back,
unscrewed and removed by one of the usual suspects who sat innocently by his side eating dinner.

Suspect #1

Suspect #2

My bet would be on Suspect #1, the only child I know who has mastered removing screws without any tools.

Cake

As I stated last week, I'm completely addicted to Shutterlove Tuesdays over at Trendy Treehouse.  This week's theme is "cake."  I loved combing through birthday pictures to find my favorite cake shot and, although I'm somewhat proud of my birthday cake-making and you can only see the crumbs in this picture, this one of Sawyer at his first birthday was my absolute favorite.

To see all of the entries click here...

Big boy

I guess I was not prepared for raising a baby so close in age to his siblings.  

Soon after the shock of my pregnancy wore off I began dreaming about my little rainbow baby who would let me hold him and cuddle him for as long as I wanted, dissolving all of my this-is-going-by-too-fast worries about his big brother and sisters.  

Ashlyn was so far apart in age from the triplets and then Parker and McKenna have always done everything at the same time so I had no idea how much this little guy would want to be a big guy.

He does everything 15 month going on 3 year-old style.  

He uses a toddler sippy cup.

He will not drink milk (one taste of watered down juice and he was hooked).

He will not eat a meal without a spoon or fork, bowl or plate.

Baby food offends him.

He throws out his own diapers (major perk).

He wants to climb the tall slide, 

      jump off the furniture, 

      watch the Wiggles... 

      whatever it is the big kids are doing.

He gives us a heart attack daily hourly.

So why am I surprised every time I change his chubby little butt and find his latest denial of all things baby?

Big boy underpants

(diaper underneath, I'm not that crazy)

Mommy Life part 2

I'm behind in blogging again and I have 10 different posts whirling around in my head that I haven't had time to sit down and type so let's see if I can stay on one topic...

I feel like I'm entering a new phase in Mommy Life.

Sawyer is rapidly changing from my baby to a wannabe big kid and his latest feat is dropping his morning feeding.  He is my only baby that I have been able to solely nurse (bottle fed Ashlyn, pumped to feed P and M) and I have cherished every minute of it.

Okay maybe not every minute, a few of those nursing-every-hour nights, in my delusional state, I think I may have been willing my husband to lactate so he could take over.  But for the most part I have loved nursing this time around and am very sad to say that I dropped his morning feeding AND HE DID NOT EVEN NOTICE.

I kept waiting for him to climb on my lap and try to cuddle or whine for me or SOMETHING but nothing.  He was completely fine and toddled around as usual after the Crazies, not needing me a bit.  Of course I'm thrilled that he is weaning easily and am not so nervous about taking out his nighttime feeding some time soon but he is my baby.  Could he just pretend like he needs me a little?

So to counteract my weaning weepiness I decided to do the fitness test for P.90X with my husband, assuming I would fail miserably due to years of sacrificing my body to fertility treatments, pregnancy, bedrest, hospitalizations, surgeries, etc.

I figured I would do the test, prove I was beyond out of shape, and continue on my road of beginners yoga whenever I could manage to stay awake to get a session in.  BUT something crazy happened.

I passed the fitness test.

The further we got into the test the more excited I got that I might truly be a living, breathing, fulling functioning person.  Mark and I had fun pushing each other through the challenges and spent the rest of naptime plotting our path to looking like the people on the video.

Now, I am two days into the program and regardless of the fact that I could barely lift my children, tie my shoes or get my sports bra on today I feel great.  For the first time in YEARS I am doing something for me.  I'm actually feeling a little weird blogging about it because I'm not sure that I have ever spent five minutes here talking completely about myself.

I have heard people talk about this thing called "taking time for yourself" but I have sort of laughed it off and buried myself in taking care of my kids vowing to not miss a second of anything because I have learned the painful reality of how quickly those moments can be taken away.

I think taking a step to do something for me made me realize how much I need to do this and how much I have needed to do this for a long time.  I'm sure the whole exercise/serotonin boost is not hurting me either :)

So this was a lot of serious change for one weekend.  I can now have a margarita after Sawyers bedtime feed AND I found something to do just for me.  I actually worked out yesterday morning while Mark got the kids up instead of feeling I had to be crazy super mom getting them up myself AND I even bought workout clothes AND went shoe shopping for me yesterday.  Who in the world am I??

"Moooooommmmmmmyyyyyyyyy" (Parker)


"Moooom" (Ashlyn)


Nevermind, I remember.

"Mooooom" (Ashlyn again)


"MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY" (and Parker again)


Naptime is over, Ashlyn can't find something, the dryer just buzzed and I have no idea what I am cooking for dinner.

But I AM looking forward to my "me" hour tomorrow.

I may update my P.90 status on here every once in a while just incase anyone is interested in whether or not I actually stick with it.  Don't expect to see any before and after photos though.  We took the "befores" on Saturday and they were not pretty.   Seeing them made me want to try that spray tan stuff, oh and teeth whitening too.   Okay I'll stop now, I will never have that much free time and naptime is way past over.

Me time is going to my head.

Here are some pics of Parker and McKenna so I don't feel guilty blogging about myself (I think they may become a trapeze act in the circus someday because they spend their whole time swinging trying to hold hands)...