A Hugging Confession

I am not a hugger.

I believe this is one reason why I am somewhat addicted to blogging and can easily pour my heart out with every tippity-tap of a key.

I can handle a virtual hug.

I can vent about the ugliness of grief or the insanity of day-to-day life and take in each and every comment I receive of support, or of I've been there, or geez am I glad I'm not there, and feel completely comfortable accepting as many comment hugs as are dished out from the caring people who read my words.

But a real hug?  I believe, to quote my mother, I am like "hugging a piece of plywood."  Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy doesn't it??

Let me digress here to stop you from feeling sorry for my touch-deprived children and husband.  I hug them, I hug them all constantly and accept their hugs with open arms.  I can do this with ease.  Go ahead and psychoanalyze.  If you figure out why please let me know (private email is preferred to a public comment explaining my warped psychological state to the blogosphere).

I believe I cannot hug because I have wound myself a bit too tight.  I am clutching pieces finely crafted into staying together.  One of those pieces fears that if I fall into a hug, the rest of them may come tumbling down and we just can't have that happen.  There is too much to do, plus I have a tendency towards the "ugly cry."

So yesterday we went to our first day of three year-old storytime and I believe the mix of a class brimming with little girls, explaining they are not twins too many times and a touch of pms, caused me to be acutely aware of that ever-present hole.  Sitting there, singing the pizza song, I pictured being the triplet mom I should be and my world stopped.   My boys, being the Mommy-loving little people that every mom with a son told me they would be, instinctively came to my rescue.  Sawyer into my lap, chubby baby arms circling my neck, and Parker balancing on my knee, skinny elbows folding over my shoulder, and those little boy hugs?

They sent my pieces crumbling.

Without a single word, swimming in a sea of three year-olds shouting out their favorite pizza topping, my boys told me what all those well-meaning huggers have been trying to say for years.

You are safe.  You are surrounded by love.  Let the pieces fall.

And I did.

When It Rains It Pours...

in a good way.

Craziness is happening here for a few reasons...

1.  I have been on the computer, undisturbed, for so many hours that my eyes are crossing.

2.  I'm guest posting over at Multiples and More.

2.  I just received a great award from a very talented Donna over at Write Now Write Later

which I am passing on to Sarah of NaptimeMomTog for being the amazing friend, photographer and blogger that she is.

AND

3.  In my blog hopping daze I visited one of my favorites For the Love of Blogs and found that I AM THE FAB FRIEND which means I may have a few million new visitors today and am feeling major pressure to produce a post to impress everyone.  Seeing that I'm about 5 hours from when my children will awake and my eyes are continuing to cross I think I need to cut my blogging self off and try to post something ingenious tomorrow.

Hi to anyone new stopping by and, of course, in true "me" fashion I just changed my domain name and the layout of my blog and created a facebook page all in way too short of a span of time so if you are having trouble accessing anything on my site just go to www.fourplusanangel.com and it should refresh the page and fix all.

Okay, going to bed now, feeling warm, fuzzy and my head getting bigger by the second from all of this recognition.

WAIT, one more...

4.  I am #30 over at Topmommyblogs.com.  This is crazy, I'm only five spots away from making it to the top 25 and being on the main page of Top Mommy Blogs.  If you like what you read here please click the banner below and vote for me or the button in the upper left hand corner every time you visit.


So when it rains it pours, and then there are rainbows.

There will always be rainbows.

I'm Still Standing- Featured Blogger

I was so happy when I received an email from an amazing friend, allowing me to feature her here and share her story.  I should not have been surprised though.  She knew that her story may help others, inspire them to keep going and give them a reason to get out of bed each day, and for that, she wanted to share.  To say that she is strong and has handled herself with grace through all that she has endured is an understatement.

Cathi was pregnant with triplets not long after I was and, as she began to experience serious complications, I hovered over my computer waiting for each and every update, hoping for good news.  Sadly Raiden, the first of her triplets, was stillborn at 22 weeks gestation.  Cathi and her surviving babies held on for four more weeks and at 26 weeks gestation, her daughter Gwyn and son Ryker were born.  I was devastated to follow Cathi's journey as she then lost Ryker when he was 10 days old and Gwyn when she was 18 days old.  Still reeling over the loss of my own daughter, I remember hearing of the passing of each of her children and thinking that losing three babies was unfathomable.  The more I grasped for the words to support Cathi, the more I became inspired by the strength with which she carried herself through one devastating loss after another.

Cathi and her husband had several frozen embryos left after their IVF cycle with the triplets so she gathered her courage and decided to try once again.  After a successful frozen embryo transfer and another very high risk pregnancy, Cathi now has a beautiful one year-old little girl, Megyn.  Honestly, I don't know where Cathi finds the strength and courage to face life with the brave face that she does but I know that all of us who have been touched by her story are better for what we have learned from her bravery.

I admire Cathi more than words can express and know that there are days that I am still standing because of the inspiration I get from women like her.

So meet Cathi, survivor of the infertility struggle, mom to four babies, three of whom she carries in her heart, and STILL STANDING.

Cathi's post about her family:  Years Fly By
(if you have a minute you have to look around her blog, the professional photographs she has of Megyn are breathtaking)

My favorite post from Cathi... so sad but her strength shines through:  2 Years

Read here about how you can get featured too.

I'm Still Standing- Featured Blogger

Christmas Eve is the perfect day to feature my next I'm Still Standing blogger because if there is one word to describe this amazing lady it would be "giving."  I was thrilled when she put her name in the hat to be featured because, since my first comment on her blog, she has become such a great friend.  I know first hand how supportive she is to people in her day to day life and to the people she meets out here in the blogosphere.  You would never know that she is a very busy momma herself, raising three children, one of whom has autism.

Oh and my favorite thing about this lady?  She gives me one more reason to want to visit Ireland which just so happens to be her place in the world.

If you don't already know her or haven't figured it out yet, today's featured blogger is Jen from The King and Eye.

Here is a post that Jen felt will help you get to know her best:

10 Things HRH Wants You to Know- a great post written by her little guy... very wise for his 2.5 years

Here is my favorite post because it is the most ingenious idea:

Blog Gems- Air Your Archives- Once a month Jen hosts Blog Gems.  She gives bloggers a chance to dig out an old post with a common theme and link to it on her blog.  I joined in for the first time last month and met all kinds of great new people and couldn't wait to do it again this month.  There is still time to join for December and link your first blog post ever... strange to go back and see where I was when my blogging addiction began.

Jen is parenting her children and bringing comfort and support to many other families while dealing with autism and Still Standing.

Hope you enjoy visiting Jen today, send her lots of warm, holiday wishes, she deserves them ten-fold.

To learn how you can get featured click the "Get Featured" tab along the top of my blog.


Merry Christmas,

I'm Still Standing- First Feature!

I was SO worried it would flop, but the moment I hit publish on my call out for bloggers who would like to offer support to other bloggers in their shoes, my inbox started filling up.  I'm not sure how I will wait until next Friday rolls around to feature the next blogger in my brain but hopefully the week will go by quickly!

So here comes the first I'm Still Standing blogger...

Jen is an amazing lady who, after winning the infertility battle, found herself as the mommy of a beautiful little girl with Down's Syndrome.  She writes with honesty, of her journey through disbelief, acceptance and ultimately, the embracing of all things wonderful in her little girl.  The moment I clicked on her blog I knew I could not wait another week to share her story.

Here are a few posts that sum up the struggles, triumphs and life of Jen at Loving Peanut... facing infertility and life as a special needs Mommy and still standing.

Jen's picks:

  T21 Blessings- piles of honesty
  Pumpkins and Ghosts and Singing, Oh My!- a play group tale and tribute to Down's Syndrome Awareness month.
  Hope for the Future- a run in with the "r" word


My pick (or my "I know this one is brutally honest but can I PLEASE share it" post):

  Welcome to Holland... Gerber Style- if you have read Welcome to Holland then just go right down to Jenny's tale of her short trip from Italy to Holland.  For me, this sums up Jen in all her kick-butt Mommy glory.


Hope you enjoyed visiting with the first of many amazing bloggers to come.  If you would like to be featured read here for all the details.

My Grand Plan

I have been tossing around random thoughts lately that have ultimately formed into my Grand Plan.

After we lost Hadley I felt like I was the only mom on the planet to lose a baby, let alone a 2 day-old preemie who was one of triplets.  Never in a million years did I think I would connect with other moms and bloggers in the same position who would inspire me to put one foot in front of the other each day and give me a shred of hope that I could get through this.

Over the past few months I have connected with lots of autism moms.  Never have I connected with so many people who get it.  Who knew there was a whole world of autism bloggers I had yet to discover?  Apparently, a lot of people did and I have been living under a rock.

So on to my idea...

Every Friday I am going to feature a blogger who may have struggled a little, or a lot, but keeps on trucking.  If you have experienced any type of trial whether it be loss or infertility or illness or have made it through divorce or a high risk pregnancy or are raising a special needs child or if you have done something crazy like trained for a marathon while taking care of 10 kids or had a baby when everyone said you were too young or too old I want to hear about it.  I have no formal list of what qualifies so if you feel like you made it or you are still making it let me know.  

My goal is to connect bloggers to other bloggers who might see a glimpse of themselves and know that they will be all right.  Plus there is nothing like new followers who walk the same walk and a new button too.

Here's the rules:

-Send me a blog post that screams YOU.  The post does not have to tell the story of your struggles, in fact, I would rather it not.  Just share something that you are proud of or that gives readers a feel for your blog.

-Email a direct link to the post you would like featured and include a description of your struggle/feat,/obstacle/magical powers in the body of the email.  Send it to fourplusanangel@gmail.com and I will feature someone new each Friday.

Oh and I know what you are thinking, if you are wrestling with that uncomfortable feeling of patting yourself on the back, look at it like you are sharing your I-made-it-through-so-you-can-too story with someone who just might need to hear it or if you feel like you are not quite comfortable calling yourself an expert yet, that is okay too.  I guarantee there is someone out there feeling like they are ten steps behind where you are right now.

Hope to hear from you!

Blog Hop

This is my first week participating in the Special Needs blog hop.  Each week a question or task is posted and this week's is:

Introduce yourself and your blog to us
So here it goes... my name is Jessica and I am a wife and mom to 5.  My oldest daughter Ashlyn is 15 and has autism and then I have triplets who were born at 28 weeks.  Our daughter Hadley passed away when she was two days old and my surviving triplets Parker and McKenna have done very well despite their prematurity.  McKenna has some remaining health issues but nothing we cannot handle after the emotional roller coaster of the NICU.  After the triplets we had a little surprise, Sawyer, who is now 16 months old.  Needless to say we are a busy household and blogging has become one of my few outlets.

I try to blog honestly about life after the loss of my daughter, the ups and downs of autism and the general chaos of life as a completely outnumbered stay-at-home mom.

Thanks for stopping by!

My little blog

... has just gotten its first award, given by Pam over at Pieces of Me.  Pam has a beautiful blog and is an amazing photographer so I was honored that she chose me.

In order to accept this award I have to do two things and before I start, let me just warn everyone that I am less than one month from the triplets birthday and the anniversary of all that happened after their birth so from here until, oh mid October, I may be a bit on the deep/emotional side.

With that said I am supposed to answer this...

1. If you had a chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

I think that every loss mom gets a serious case of the "what ifs" after they lose a child.  My "what if" has always been:
What if I had questioned the doctor more on his decision to deliver the triplets so early?

The day of my delivery my least favorite physician was on.  I had made it through a million different labor scares during my long hospital stay but this time the OB on that day decided I needed to deliver.  I did not question him, it all happened so fast and at almost 29 weeks we knew our babies would be in the NICU but never thought they would not all survive.  I started getting excited instead of grilling him over why this time was different than all of the others.

I wish I would have questioned him more, demanded that we wait until my physicians could get there, done something so that I would have a little bit more piece of mind about my delivery or maybe have even stayed pregnant a few more days, a few more days that would have made my babies stronger and gave them all a better chance at life. 

But, of course, I will never know and for my own sanity have had to press pass the "what ifs" and try to make peace with my delivery, knowing that we followed what we thought was best at the time and what happened afterwards was far beyond our control.

The second stipulation of my award is much more fun and much less deep...



2.  Pass this award on to 6 other bloggers that you love.


So my awards go to...


Sarah at Loving My Life- I just recently starting following Sarah and, besides being extremely well done, her blog contains a mix of amazing photographs and great stories about her boys.

The Grasshoppa-   She is just hilarious, there is not much more to say.


Courtney at The Peeks- Courtney has overcome the devastating loss of three children and openly blogs about her journey through infertility.  I'm addicted to checking her blog until she has a baby in her arms.


Liz from The Weaver Triplets- Liz is an amazing mom to triplets, two who have autism.  She honestly blogs about the good days and the bad and has become an incredible friend.


Devon at Life As We Know It- I just recently started following Devon and I have blog envy.  I love the way her blog is organized and all of her beautiful pictures AND she has a great blog button (My next blog task is to figure out how to make one of those).


Amy from Life Interrupted- Amy also lost a triplet and has been such a support to me.  Her blog is open, honest and I'm either laughing or crying every time I read.

Thanks again for the award Pam, it is an honor to be selected by such a great blogger!