Dear Daddy- Why We Didn't Get All the Groceries

I better start this one by saying that, yep, all this stuff happened.  My two and a half feet of wisdom could not make this mountain of disaster up...

Mommy and her long list took us to the grocery store and once we went through those magic doors that open when my little self enters, Mommy's list got short, Daddy, real short.  First that fancy car cart was not so fancy 'cause it only had one seat belt.  One seat belt for no kids who will sit still is bad news.

Our ride, sans us, for some reason Mommy could not get a blog-worthy pic

Mommy put the strap for holding-you-down-so-you-can't-join-the-party on lucky old me. Parker got to drive and Ms. Fancy Pants Kenna sat her happy self on the floor.  Not the floor of our cart, the floor of the dirty-as-a-potty ground.  You know her, wanted her own cart and wasn't budging 'til she got it.  Mommy fed her that "special treat" nonsense she dangles over our heads whenever we go somewhere and lucky for our grocery list she bought it, and started pushing me and Parker's car, all fakey nice, like she was going to be the perfectest sister the rest of our trip.

Since my crib is calling my name, I better skip a couple aisles, tantrums, getting-in-and-out-of-the-carts and put-that-backs and get down to the good stuff.  

Now picture us in the milk section, Daddy...

Pretty much no one was in the cart (except my legs, one, two if Mommy was lucky) and by now one of the Crazy amongst us was carrying an apple with squoosh spots and a bite out of it, a deck of cards and wearing her rainbow jello, I was trying (with decent success I must say) to climb out the dashboard of my car, Mommy was catching me and squishing me back in with her hair all crazy in her face while she was blocking our basket with one leg so Kenna couldn't throw anymore juices in, when she remembered the other piece of our Crazy.  Lucky she looked between her yellow hairs that minute because she almost missed an amazing feat.  Parker, my idol of carnival proportion stunts, was hard at work.  Stacking and stacking breads and standing on them real good so they smushed so nice and then getting more and more and more, 'cause that coffee cream on the top shelf was calling his name, I heard it.  (You drink coffee when you are three? Can't wait.  I think I'll take mine black, or maybe double sugar, double breast milk?  Hmmm, decisions.).  Well, either way, I don't have to tell you that Mommy shut down his side show which set off fireworks of the Parker kind.  (We will never truly know what that boy can accomplish.)

In the middle of our show, a lady was watching us with her lips white-together.  Mommy said, "I'm sure you wish you were me right now" (I think she was being snarkastic, Ms. Jill) and that lady just asked Mommy to hand her a cream.  Mommy wanted to tell her where she could put her cream but she bited her tongue for my baby ears.

So things got even better at check out.  For the Crazies, not for me... totally strapped in at this point, just here for the show I guess.  Those silly store people put those shiny Easter egg candies right where three year-olds could reach and Mommy could barely unload the cart 'cause those eggs were a rollin' and a flyin'.  Oh and the apple from aisle whatever that was?  Kenna dropped it when she was blocking Mommy from pulling chocolate eggs out of her mouth, Parker kicked it to me, my car made the save and Mommy had even more to pay her money for.

And for the grand finale, because there is one, of course...

Mommy put Parker back in the car with me and as one last goodbye, he waved out my window and then, hold on to your seat Daddy...

   threw his perfectly detached steering wheel out the other window (so we could watch it roll away at that man getting the baskets, of course).  That boy, I tell you, he never disappoints.  Never!

Oh and Daddy, we forgot your Coke but don't worry, Mommy says we are going back when hell freezes over so we'll get it then.

Love the only one who can't unbuckle his grocery car seatbelt,

Sawyer


  

Dear Daddy- Public Restroom, the Sequel

Well it's over.  You are going back to work and I have waited as long as I can to write.  There is only so much patience packed into this 19 month-old chunk of love.

I got a little spoiled these two weeks.  Two parents home, sugar, new toys, the whole nine yards... walking AND having teeth at Christmas makes for a good gig.  I thought I wouldn't have anything to tattle tell you about but we split up that one time, at going-out-to-taco-dinner, and someone had to go potty (of course it was Kenna, we all know Parker just points and shoots wherever he pleases) and I don't have to tell you that two three year olds in a bathroom always gives me material....

So this time, the big potty room was closed and poor Mommy had to squish us in a tiny potty room.  Mr. Ants In His Pats just kept pushin' on the door and pushin' on the door and finally he fell right out while Mommy was holding up Kenna so her little butt didn't fall in that big hole.  For a minute Mommy was worried about Parker being out by those sinks and all that soap but then he said he was just sitting and, even though Mommy didn't remember seeing a chair, she told him okay and to stay still.  She kept talking to him while she was fixing up Kenna and he kept saying he was sitting nice so Mommy wasn't worried.  

He knows how to play the game, doesn't he?  

We could hear those waitress ladies (who only speak like us when they are seeing what we want to eat) playing in the sink water and talking their kind of talking and laughing and laughing but no way did that laughing have to do with Mr. Parker.

When Kenna was all done we headed out and Daddy, guess where Parker was??  He found one of those shiny cans you push, push, push your foot to open and was sitting with his skinny butt all the way in there.  He was looking so happy down in there with his smiley head holding that can top open you would have thought Santa was on his way.  Mommy was the color of my Christmas shirt (you know the one with the snowman) while she was pulling him out.  Even though Parker's so small, Mommy had to pull him lots and when she wiggled him loose he had all kinds of mushy papers sticking on his butt.  We both know how fun those were to peel off.  Mommy was just saying "wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands."  Which is like saying PARTY TIME to us, so we squirted soap and water, soap and water til Mommy got all those papers back in the shiny can and then we took our cloud of craziness and left.  

Pretty good for five minutes in a potty room, huh Dad?

Oh wait, let's relive my shiny Christmas vacation moment before I go...

Remember when we were having running naked time before bed (me and the Crazies, Daddy... get your mind out of the gutter) and all the sudden you said, "Stop, stop, Sawyer has something brown on his forehead!" and the whole world stood still while you tried to catch me and figure out what it was???

Oh, that was the best!!  A dab of dead leaf applied just so and you and Mommy were running scared.  I got you good.

Never a dull moment, Daddy, never a dull moment.


Have a good first day back, miss you already,

Sawyer, aka- the man behind the first poo scare of 2011

Dear Daddy- We're Out!

Well, just when I thought we were snowed in for good and the most exciting thing I would have to tell you was what a blast it was watching Parker plug the bathtub faucet with a shampoo cap making baths a no-go until Mommy finds the pliers, the snow stopped, Mommy took us to the grocery store and the Crazies did not disappoint.

The fireworks started when there was not a semi-truck sized cart to be found in the parking lot.  The Crazies had to walk inside while Mommy looked for one of those bohemoths that might as well have a sign on them saying "No one should be shopping with this many kids that need to be strapped down."

Guess where our ride was Daddy?  Right next to those dreamy toys that move and make noise.  If that does not spell DISASTER I don't know what does.

The Crazies went, well, crazy, and made themselves comfy in those hooped-up toys one can only hope to ride and Mommy strapped me into the cart (had no choice, I'm the only one she was carrying and she's no dummy).  Mommy climbed in a flashy car to squeeze out Parker and I'm sure you could hear him all the way in Dairy.  A poor store worker lady came by to say she was glad Mommy found the carts because she had just moved them to that very spot and Mommy thanked her with a look that almost melted my diapey.

Mommy strapped Parker in his seat and went for Kenna and then we were all screaming because I'm no fool, I missed my two seconds of glory too.  She almost took us to the car but we acted all nicey and she fell for it hook, line and sinker.

First stop, cheap toys for keeping our hands out of trouble.  Mom found neat stuff Dad, squishy froggies with balls inside you squeeze to light up so all the time while we were shopping we could say "more lights, more lights, MORE LIGHTS" and Mommy would stop and squish them again.  Next came the Mommy moment that made my pacifier hit the ground rolling...

Mommy was stopped in the aisle making Parker's toy light up for the bazillionth time and a worker man asked if she needed anything and Mommy said, "oh, no, sorry, I was just squeezing his balls." Can you believe that???!!!!  Priceless.  Lucky I'm still in a diaper.

Mommy's face got as pink as the boots Kenna cried for in the next aisle and nothing says send-her-to-the-looney-bin better than a Mommy laughing all by herself while pushing a cart of whining, crying kids.

We made it to the check out (thank goodness, right?) and it turns out Kenna liked her boots so much that she chucked the shoes she was wearing somewhere in that big store and put those shiny pink things on.  She would NOT take them off and the lady tried to scan them on her feet but turns out that scanner's not fast enough to pick up boots on kicking screaming girls.  Someone was watching and feeling bad for Mommy (or maybe their ears were bleeding from the sound) and grabbed extra boots for that lady to scan so we could put everyone out of their misery and exit stage left. 

And so we went, one pair of shoes short and another trip-turned-disaster under our belt, with Parker, that dedicated guy, still screaming "I WANT A TREAT" and Kenna still reeling (loudly) over the boot-scanning trauma and me, just sitting back watching the whole scene as mellow little me does.

The funny thing was, seemed like we were in that store for days but we only got a couple things (can't count or I'd give you an exact number).  That scanner lady didn't even do a silly look that one of them was a big bottle of Mommy wine.

Love you Daddy,

The Man Behind the Yogurt

Dear Daddy- A Public Restroom Tale

Well another day, another drama.

Today we ended up in the one place that mom has been dreading since... well.... I don't know since when, but this is the one place she had nightmares about.

The potty room.  
The big kind, with the walls and the doors, and lots of potties in a place that is not our house.

She thinks they are germy and can handle one with a kid or two, but has been shaking in her boots for the day that she had to cram us all in there and today was it.

We were out and about and everybody had to go and you know those Crazies, they could not WAIT to try a new potty.  (Not me Dad, you know me... just go when I need to and sit in it til someone's downwind.  I'm low maintenance that way.)

So Mommy took all of us and the diaper bag and our coats and hats and gloves (boy, does she love winter) to the potty.  As soon as we got in we all went running for those swinging doors.  The ladies on the other side kept saying "I'm in here!" but that was okay, we just rattled away at those doors anyway.

Mommy waited for the big room and squished us all in.  While Mommy got Parker all set, I layed on that cold floor and Daddy, I could see shoes for miles.  Mommy made me get up and scrubbed my cheek with a wipe while she held Parker on the potty and, since Mommy was busy and Kenna is no dummy, she took the opportunity to squeeze that paper roll right down the potty behind Parker's butt.  I pushed the flusher for her and we laughed and laughed.  Parker didn't laugh (his butt got extra wet) and neither did Mommy (not her kind of fun I guess).

Anyway, then Kenna went potty and Mommy dragged us out of that little room and tried to wash our hands but I loved this place so much I started unloading the diaper bag so we could stay a while.  Mommy said "no, no, no!" but I just smiled and chucked it all.  She started packing my unpacking job and while she was down, we all headed for the hills.  Mommy chased us with all kinds of our stuff falling off her arms and she thought the party was over but we weren't done yet.  Well we were but Parker wasn't.

He poked his arm back in there real quick and turned off the lights on all those shoes under the doors just waiting for us to get out.  The boy is genius.  Can you imagine being in there when the lights went out??  I bet no one could see a thing.  I'm glad my diaper-butt was already on the other side!

So anyway, just wanted you to know we are all safe and sound now.  I'm blogging, Mommy's sanitizing the bazillion things that hit the potty room floor (she said alcohol works, I think she is taking a swig or two).

Oh and when you have your Christmas time at home Daddy, I think you might need to give Mommy a day (or ten) off.  Because seriously....

now is not the time to break it to her, but this is probably not her last trip to a potty room with these hooligans...

Love Mommy's favorite child because I'm still in a diaper,

Sawyer

Dear Daddy

Me again Daddy.  I guess you have figured out by now that if I'm writing it means two things, I've got material and Mommy's burned out.

So here is how we did her in today.

Since her little Mommy and Me mishap our Tuesdays are now wide open so today we went somewhere we have never been before... to one of those indoor germ factories play places.  Mommy heard this one was clean and good for little ones so we gave it a go.

I loved it Daddy, I climbed and played and tried to keep up with the Crazies but, well, you know how they run, I ended up just hanging with Mommy.  

The Crazies found a friend and sure enough it was a little girl just their size.  The Crazies just loved that little girl and they said they were a "team" and kept going down the slides together holding hands.  Mommy was trying to cheer for them but she couldn't because she had a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes, and I think she was telling herself that this is how life would be if Hadley was here.

I just let her keep holding me, Daddy.

Lucky for Mommy, more kids joined the "team" soon and she felt better.  But then (here is where Mommy got tears again) she heard someone say "watch out team, don't step in the pee pee" and she didn't even need to look, she knew that the person who belonged to the pee pee puddle belonged to her.   So Mommy climbed in and pulled Parker out and started to clean it up but the people at the front said they needed to do it and Mommy was secretly relieved.

Once we managed to quarantine the play area, Mommy changed Parker and we moved on to the cafe to see what damage could be done there.  We did pretty good, I sat nice (had no choice, she strapped me in) and the Crazies ate while they sat down, stood up, sat down, stood up... the usual ants in their pants routine.  Who could blame them though?  There was a big fat Christmas tree right in that cafe, those shiny ornaments are like magnets.  Parker (who else?) just could not sit in his seat and eat his grilled cheese so Mommy gave up and let him eat in front of the tree.

She packed us up and we left really nice.  Once we were outside and Mommy was hanging onto all of us like we might run (because we will) Mommy looked in the window and saw it... little piles of chewed up grilled cheese hanging right on that Christmas tree next to those ornaments Parker was loving.  Merry Christmas Play Place, Parker left you a present.

Oh and on your way in today Daddy, could you grab Kenna's car seat?  She peed in it really proudly on the way home and Mommy is about done with this pee business for the day.

Thanks Daddy.

Love,
Sawyer

Dear Daddy

Well Daddy, if I could talk I would have told Mommy that going to our little Mommy and Me class this morning was probably not a good idea.

She is that way she gets when only she can say she is crabby because if you say it, WATCH OUT and we had already used up lots of her patience before she even pulled out of the driveway and you know how Mommy thinks our teacher is a has-been preschool teacher who cannot get a job anywhere because she is a little on the obnoxious side and she never stops talking and asking questions that are none of her business?  Well I knew that this would not be a good day for Mommy to be in the same room as Mrs. Nevershutsup but she packed us up and took us anyway.

We did pretty good at school.  We made hand print turkeys and all the sudden I said a word.  It was  "YAY" and I was so happy with that word that I said it and said it and said it while I emptied every bin in the room.   McKenna sat a little close to kids that were not Parker today and Parker, he had ants in his pants as usual and Mommy had to hold him by the foot to keep a little bit of him at circle time but other than that no problems.  (Yay!)

But Mrs. Nevershutsup?  She was over the top today.  She was always talking in one of Mommy's ears while Mommy was trying to listen to us with the other.  She pried too much about Sissy and about your work and told Mommy stories that she could have lived her whole life just fine without hearing.  I knew we were in trouble once Mommy stopped talking to anyone over three feet tall and her eye started to twitch a little.

When it was time to leave I let Mommy put my coat on real fast so we could get out of there.  But Daddy, Mrs. Nevershutsup did not take a hint.  She FOLLOWED Mommy to the car and I knew we were headed for trouble.  She said she was helping but she just kept asking Mommy more none-of-her-business questions and I could hear Mommy thinking to herself that she should be nice and thankful that this woman was trying to help but Mommy decided she would be thankful for Parker and our automatic doors because he will push any button in front of him.  So Mommy got us in the car and put Parker by all those buttons and he pushed away and left Mrs. Nevershutsup out there in the parking lot asking us how much our van costs and why Mommy doesn't learn to sew so she can make our Christmas clothes.

Mommy knew she should open that door back up but she just could not do it.  She got us in our seats and climbed into hers and did her fakey-nice smile and waved to Mrs. Nevershutsup whose mouth was still moving outside that window.

One more place we can't go back to Daddy... but it was all Mommy this time.

Good thing you have a few days off this week, I'm sticking with you til Mommy's patience comes back.

Yay!, (had to get it in there one more time)

Sawyer

Parker being a turkey

McKenna with her turkeys (no picture of me, I hit the crib before Mommy lost the last of her mind)

Dear Daddy

I remember the moment my not-yet husband told me that his future wife would not be able to stay home with the kids.

He was a teacher at the time and financially it just would not work.

For as long as I could remember I had wanted to go to college and then work in special education but only until I had babies.  Then my grand plan was to stay home just like my mom did (thanks Mom!).

I was blissfully ignorant and completely in love so I shrugged off his comment and told myself all would work out someday.

And it did.

The minute our children were born he changed his mind and I got my way.

So now, although my shifts do not actually ever end and there are times I wonder if this is what I signed up for, I would not change a thing.

Besides working hard to climb the public education ladder and putting in very long days for our happiness, I realize that my husband is missing out on a lot.  There are a few aspects of Mommyhood that I would be perfectly happy to miss out on too but there are also a million others that are priceless.   I decided to start capturing the good and the bad once a week or so in a letter to Daddy.

Here is our first entry:


Today we had our first playdate at our new friends' house.

I don't think they will be calling again any time soon.

Parker was so nice to the boys but he just could not stop opening all of their drawers and then he put the big kid's toy in their fireplace and you know how sometimes he lets his chewed food fall right out of his mouth when he is full?  He did that.

Next, Mommy thought McKenna had eaten her lunch really fast but she had not.  She had actually stuffed that big peanut butter sandwich into a little tiny pretend bottle of nail polish.  It was the little girl's favorite.  Mommy could not get it out.  It is soaking in the other Mommy's sink.

I really was not that good either, Daddy.  I was sweet and smiley as always but the stairs just kept calling my name.  The other Mommy had to get out the gates.  They don't use them anymore.  She put them up and all of our new friends cried and cried.

We almost got out of there without anymore trouble but then McKenna fell.  She cried and cried and Mommy held her.  Lucky Mommy was holding her because she caught all the pee on her shirt and pants so that it did not get our new friends' couch wet, only their floor.  So now Mommy was all wet and so was McKenna and you know Kenna, she wanted new pants right NOW.  The other Mommy tried to give her some pants but they were blue.  Mommy put us in the car while McKenna yelled "don't want the blue pants" over and over on the porch for all the neighbors to hear.

It was fun but we are all glad it is over, especially Mommy.
She is drinking while I type.


Love,
Sawyer