A Hugging Confession

I am not a hugger.

I believe this is one reason why I am somewhat addicted to blogging and can easily pour my heart out with every tippity-tap of a key.

I can handle a virtual hug.

I can vent about the ugliness of grief or the insanity of day-to-day life and take in each and every comment I receive of support, or of I've been there, or geez am I glad I'm not there, and feel completely comfortable accepting as many comment hugs as are dished out from the caring people who read my words.

But a real hug?  I believe, to quote my mother, I am like "hugging a piece of plywood."  Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy doesn't it??

Let me digress here to stop you from feeling sorry for my touch-deprived children and husband.  I hug them, I hug them all constantly and accept their hugs with open arms.  I can do this with ease.  Go ahead and psychoanalyze.  If you figure out why please let me know (private email is preferred to a public comment explaining my warped psychological state to the blogosphere).

I believe I cannot hug because I have wound myself a bit too tight.  I am clutching pieces finely crafted into staying together.  One of those pieces fears that if I fall into a hug, the rest of them may come tumbling down and we just can't have that happen.  There is too much to do, plus I have a tendency towards the "ugly cry."

So yesterday we went to our first day of three year-old storytime and I believe the mix of a class brimming with little girls, explaining they are not twins too many times and a touch of pms, caused me to be acutely aware of that ever-present hole.  Sitting there, singing the pizza song, I pictured being the triplet mom I should be and my world stopped.   My boys, being the Mommy-loving little people that every mom with a son told me they would be, instinctively came to my rescue.  Sawyer into my lap, chubby baby arms circling my neck, and Parker balancing on my knee, skinny elbows folding over my shoulder, and those little boy hugs?

They sent my pieces crumbling.

Without a single word, swimming in a sea of three year-olds shouting out their favorite pizza topping, my boys told me what all those well-meaning huggers have been trying to say for years.

You are safe.  You are surrounded by love.  Let the pieces fall.

And I did.

We Are Good

I have the amazing honor of guest posting for Nichole at In These Small Moments today.  Her writing is unspeakably beautiful and she has featured many a talented writer in her Small Moments Monday series.  I had to collect myself and pretend this type of thing is normal for a little blogger like me before I could respond to her email in which she asked (in her eloquent words, of course) if I would guest post.

So if this is your first time visiting and you would like to know the rest of the story here is the "after" and if you are not interested in knowing what happened next, here is a slew of cute pictures of my kids...

We Are Good

Life showed us its fragility and we wept and yelled and cursed at the unfairness of it all.

But we still had new life here,

to cherish and to nurture and to will to survive.

So we waited

and we dreamt

of the day they would be home

and our family would be together, not whole.  No never whole, but together

and we are good,

good plus one more.

We are brought down by grief but lifted up by laughter
and we are good.

We appreciate the quiet moments with space to breathe in the sorrow

and the loud ones with noise to drown it all out

and we are good.

We will never be full or whole or complete

but we are life and love and everything in between.

And we are good.

My Favorites of 2010, I Think

So the year is a few days from coming to a close and I'm full of I can't believe it went by so fast's, the kids are getting so old's and I wish time would slow down's so it is a perfect time for me to sift through my year of blogging and laugh and cry with myself and reflect on the crazy journey life has taken us on once again this year.

I found a great idea over at Scary Mommy that gave me an excuse to pour myself a glass of wine, listen to the song that sings "Hadley" to me playing in my blog background and scroll through my collection of posts, trying not to be to critical while finding my favorites of the year.

Thank you for reading and for being the great commenters, followers, family and friends that you are.  This blog has truly become my outlet and an amazing source of support.  I look forward to seeing where it takes me in 2011.

My favorites of 2010 (I think... it is hard to pick from your own work and I'm terrible at making decisions.  This list may change if I continue to overanalyze myself.  Oh and I did better as the year went on so maybe just skip the first couple months, k?)

January:  Memoir of a Teenager

February:  Sparkly Shoes

March:  The Youngest

April:  Belonging

May:  One Last Visit

June:  For Sale

July:  Stick

August:  Once Upon a Time

September:  Denial

October:  Today- A Letter to My Daughter

November:  The Up Side of Autism

December:  Dear Daddy- Tales from a Public Restroom

My Giveaway Day!!

I have been waiting for this day to get here all month.

It is finally my day to host a giveaway for loss moms only.

I loved following all of the giveaways last year and was so excited when Tina gave me a day to host this year.  Although my excitement quickly turned into fear once I remembered that I can't make a single creative thing to give away to any of you.

So, I did some thinking and came up with something that I hope you will like...

After we lost our daughter Hadley, I really did not do much for myself.  It took me a long time to care much about myself again and I have not felt very worthy of gifts or anything that focuses too much on me since.  So I would like to give one loss mom a little present just for her.

I ran my idea for a giveaway by a few friends of mine who are also loss moms and they all wanted to help.  SO, together we would like to give the winner $200 to spend on herself and only herself.  We would love to send you to a spa but if spas are not your kind of thing you can go on your own little shopping spree and buy whatever would make you happy.  My only requirement is that all $200 must be spent on YOU and only YOU.  Once I pick the winner you can let me know where you would like the gift card to and I will purchase it for you and send it your way.  I know if I send someone a check you will just selflessly spend it on lots of little things that end up not being for you so I insist that you let me buy your present for you!

To enter, first of all you must be a loss mom.  Please leave a comment and tell me anything you would like to share about your angel(s) and also leave your blog address if you have one.  (I would love to visit.)  For an additional entry you can tweet this or share it on facebook to spread the word, just leave another comment to let me know you did so.

Most importantly, as I mentioned, this gift is not just from me.  It comes with lots of love from Ari's mom, Caitlin's mom, Alex's mom, Benjamin's mom, Raiden, Ryker and Gwyneth's mom, Konstantin's mom and Hadley's grandma.

So I Lied

I managed to leave the house to run errands the other day with only one child in tow.

Having brought the quietest, least apt to cause trouble and least likely to become bored to tears with my shopping, I was very productive which resulted in a few minutes too long at the register with a chatty cashier.

Here is how it all went downhill...


"Oh he is so sweet, how old?"

Thanks, he's eighteen months.

"Awww, is he your first?"

No, actually he is my fifth.

"Your fifth, wow, how old are your other children?" (I'm screwed at this point)

Fifteen and three 

(Looking at me like I have two heads) "So do you have two sets of twins?"

No I have a teenager and triplets (technically not lying yet)

"Wow, triplets???  That is amazing what do you have boys? Girls?  Who are they with while you shop?"

A boy and two girls, they're with my husband. (sort of not lying)

"What a brave guy managing all those little ones, I'm sure he is having fun."

Yep.  (the truth)

"Oh I bet your girls are adorable together, do they gang up on their brother, making him play dolls and dress up?"

Yep.  (aaaaaand off we go, I'm lying)

"How sweet.  (turns to the other cashier) She has three year-old triplets, can you believe it?  Her husband is home with all of them.  My husband would never survive!"

Yep, he's great.

(shoppers in each line are now talking about my amazing triplets as I envision crawling out of my skin)

"Oh you are just so lucky, what a great family.  You will have so much fun this year with all those little ones.  I can't imagine!  Merry Christmas"

(Zero eye contact, plastered fake smile) Merry Christmas

And I picked up my purchases, my baby and my big fat lie and left.


I'm sure somewhere in there I should have stopped the train wreck and explained that I only have two triplets.
That one of them did not make it to age three.  Or to two.  Or even to one.

I thought it might feel good to live the lie for a few minutes or at least be easier than telling our whole story.

I guess it only feels good if it's the truth and it is only easier if your story includes five children who are alive.

The One with the Hole

Tonight was our annual candy making with the girls (and the boy who could not be left out of a sugar-filled event).

We all made our way out in the first of this year's winter storms to spend hours using up the mountains of baking supplies overflowing the kitchen.

My little ones in attendance were strategically placed in the cookie decorating section which was secured with a washable surface, easy to clean chairs and a large tarp over the floor.

My aunts have all done this whole toddler thing before.

The afternoon was warm with tradition and laughter and it was not lost on me that I am lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing women.

(the two down front with no self control in front of sugar belong to me)

Unfortunately, the sameness of tradition seems to be dragging me down this year.  I am fighting off the nagging heartache of one child missing and the reality that life will continue on this way, one tradition after another, rich in bittersweet moments.

Santa sitting on their lap as they try to get on his good side one more time.

At one point in the afternoon the kids were arranging candy dishes their own fancy three year-old way and my eyes found the spot where their sister would have sat, as they always do.  

Parker turned to me, beaming over their creation,

     Look Mommy, there is a heart with a big hole in the middle.

I kissed him on his blonde little head and replied, 

     Yep Parker, there is.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Well a few days of happy posts calls for a sappy one I think.

(Follow the bouncing ball, it's the holidays and I'm all over the place.)

When we lost Hadley my biggest fear was that people would forget,

    that her short life was not long enough to hold the importance in others' minds that it did in mine.

Hearing the kids called "twins" made me cringe (still does) and I would choke on my words trying to explain to anyone who would listen that they were born as triplets, feeling like some sort of fraud if I let the mistake go unaddressed.

But it has been three years and, to my heart's relief, her memory continues to live on.  I still correct people but don't have a heart attack when they don't stand still long enough to get the whole story and hate when she is omitted in conversation but I think I may have just brought her life and death up enough to make people understand that living or not, she was once here and I will continue to talk about her just as I would if she were playing dolls at my feet.

There are still those days, when I feel like the only grieving mom on the planet and I find myself alone with the impossible-to-wrap-your-brain-around fact that my daughter is gone and it never fails...  I am always tapped on the shoulder by someone who cares or someone walking the same path.

Not too long ago I came across a beautiful new website devoted to honoring the lives of babies gone too soon and spreading the word about the many resources available to the loss community.  It was created by Monica, mother to 5 children, one of whom was stillborn.  She created Honoring Our Angels in memory of her daughter Devon.  I visited once, amazed at all the resources she had compiled, and left a message of condolence for her.

I had forgotten about it until one evening, feeling alone in my grief, I was blogging my sorrows out and received an email from Monica.  She wanted to tell Hadley's story and give me the opportunity to share her short life with her readers.  I was honored by her offer and, as I type this, am comforted to know that Monica is probably typing away right now too, typing the story of my baby, from one loss mom to another, to remind me one more time that Hadley is never forgotten.

Please visit Monica today, read the beautiful post she has crafted for Hadley and view all that she has been working so hard on.

If you are a loss mom visiting here for the first time please know that living children are mentioned often in posts below this one.  Here are a few posts pertaining to loss only:

The Next 25
No one told me this either
Send Me a Rainbow
  and the very eloquent This Sucks

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." --Elizabeth Edwards

Thanks for visiting,

The next 25

I think I have mentioned a time or two or twenty that holidays have not been the easiest since we lost Hadley.

Thanksgiving was no exception.

Of course I spent plenty of time on Thanksgiving in gratitude for all that I have, I marveled at Sawyer's chunky baby-ness and cemented the memory of three year-old voices saying Happy Thanksgiving into my Mommy brain and took a step back to look at my amazing Ashlyn.

But I also was crabby and bitter and bit my husband's head off one time too many.

For the first hour or two of the day I was trying to figure out what my problem was and then I remembered what I seem to forget EVERY SINGLE holiday.

I can't do them right anymore.

Once we get to wherever we are going I get distracted and do okay but I can not seem to get good at the getting ready and trying to make the day normal and all of that other business.  I spend all of my time trying not to think about the fact that this is not the way Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the list goes on and on, is supposed to be.

On the way to my parents for Thanksgiving I told Mark that we need to do something different from now on and, like the husband who knows me like he does, he did not say anything to disagree but just let me continue blabbing on until I came to the conclusion myself that going somewhere different is not going to do a single bit of good because we could go to the moon but we will still be without our daughter.

And you can't get good at living without one of your children.   You can just hope that with time the bitterness will slowly fade and the person you once were will surface here and there.

My long holiday rant was all to say that going through the motions of the holidays is not something you look forward to once you are a loss mom and that is why Tina of Living Without Sofia and Ellie is a GENIUS.  Last year, Tina started 25 days of Giveaways for mom's who have lost a child and the response was overwhelming so she is doing it again this year.

For each day of December a different loss mom will be hosting a giveaway on her blog.  I believe that, aside from the support of all of these great women, this is the only other perk of my lifetime membership into the I-have-lost-a-child club.

So Tina has given us all something to look forward to each of the next 25 days and yours truly gets to host day 23.  I'm SO excited to do it but do not have a creative bone in my body to make something so am still wracking my brain for something to give away (if you have any ideas or create something of your own that you think would be a good idea PLEASE let me know).

Finally, to end my long, rambling post, if you are a loss mom visit Living Without Sofia and Ellie today to enter the first day of giveaways.

Dear Daddy

Me again Daddy.  I guess you have figured out by now that if I'm writing it means two things, I've got material and Mommy's burned out.

So here is how we did her in today.

Since her little Mommy and Me mishap our Tuesdays are now wide open so today we went somewhere we have never been before... to one of those indoor germ factories play places.  Mommy heard this one was clean and good for little ones so we gave it a go.

I loved it Daddy, I climbed and played and tried to keep up with the Crazies but, well, you know how they run, I ended up just hanging with Mommy.  

The Crazies found a friend and sure enough it was a little girl just their size.  The Crazies just loved that little girl and they said they were a "team" and kept going down the slides together holding hands.  Mommy was trying to cheer for them but she couldn't because she had a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes, and I think she was telling herself that this is how life would be if Hadley was here.

I just let her keep holding me, Daddy.

Lucky for Mommy, more kids joined the "team" soon and she felt better.  But then (here is where Mommy got tears again) she heard someone say "watch out team, don't step in the pee pee" and she didn't even need to look, she knew that the person who belonged to the pee pee puddle belonged to her.   So Mommy climbed in and pulled Parker out and started to clean it up but the people at the front said they needed to do it and Mommy was secretly relieved.

Once we managed to quarantine the play area, Mommy changed Parker and we moved on to the cafe to see what damage could be done there.  We did pretty good, I sat nice (had no choice, she strapped me in) and the Crazies ate while they sat down, stood up, sat down, stood up... the usual ants in their pants routine.  Who could blame them though?  There was a big fat Christmas tree right in that cafe, those shiny ornaments are like magnets.  Parker (who else?) just could not sit in his seat and eat his grilled cheese so Mommy gave up and let him eat in front of the tree.

She packed us up and we left really nice.  Once we were outside and Mommy was hanging onto all of us like we might run (because we will) Mommy looked in the window and saw it... little piles of chewed up grilled cheese hanging right on that Christmas tree next to those ornaments Parker was loving.  Merry Christmas Play Place, Parker left you a present.

Oh and on your way in today Daddy, could you grab Kenna's car seat?  She peed in it really proudly on the way home and Mommy is about done with this pee business for the day.

Thanks Daddy.

Love,
Sawyer

Snakes and Snails and Puppydog Tails

Life with Parker can seem like mommy bootcamp at times.

The move has been no exception.

We have yet to childproof to the full extreme and my little man is taking full advantage.

In the last four days he has...

• let himself and his sister out of the house (one wearing nothing, one wearing a shirt) 
• dumped a large plant, creating a sandbox in the living room
• learned to open each new gate
• taken down each gate he cannot open
• started the dishwasher more times than I can count
• helped himself, and anyone else who is interested, to whatever they may want from the fridge
• taken off the handles that open our windows
• pulled down a blind or two
• connected, disconnected and reconnected all tvs, cable boxes and dvd players
• unrolled toilet paper, decorating both toilet and potty seat

     and last, but certainly not least in the clean up department... turned on the water supply to our washer BEFORE it was hooked up, transforming my new laundry room into an indoor waterpark.

I have to admit by today, 

okay maybe yesterday 

or the day before,

I had reached the why can't you just sit still for a second phase.

My patience was wearing very thin and my head was spinning from managing everyone and constantly keeping an eye on future prospects for trouble.  So today I tried to make a conscious effort to not lose my cool (or voice from yelling) and have some fun.

We hiked through the yard

Taken 2 seconds before Parker said "look there's berries" and I had to race in and redirect

and dug out every imaginable toy in hopes of running off troublemaking energy.

And I had intended to make this a big long rant post about the craziness of life with boys but then I flipped through the pictures I took

and found that *someone* wanted to remind me to cherish these precious, crazy, hang-on-to-them-while-you-have-them days.

Thanks Baby Girl.

Do you have a "life with boys" story?  I know there are more "Parkers" out there but our paths have yet to cross.  If you can relate, post your best story in the comments, whether it is from 2 days ago or 20 years ago, I would love to know I'm not alone :)

No one told me this either

We are moving.

Moving day is one day away and if you walked into our house right now you would never know we are going anywhere.

I have found another aspect of losing a baby that know one told me about.

Packing is paralyzing.

Every time I open a closet or drawer I stumble upon one more Hadley thing and I don't know what to do with it so I stop and try to start again somewhere else.

A year or so after we lost her I was able to fumble through her NICU items and fold up her unworn pink.  I put everything in a pretty box and put it up in our closet.  I cannot look in there often but I never forget it is there.

What I forgot about was the hidden pieces of grief.

I forgot about the social security card under my socks that had the audacity of showing up in our mailbox with the others and the "you can make it a little longer" note written by a dear friend of my mom's while I was still pregnant, hiding under my sweaters, holding beautiful thoughts of all I would look forward to in my life with triplets, and the cards and vases and dried flowers from her memorial, all more than I could bare to look at on a daily basis.

I had even forgotten about the bracelet.

When you have a baby in the NICU you get a hospital bracelet to wear that matches theirs.  You wear it until your baby comes home to identify you as the parent.

Mark and I had three.  As each baby was born we looked at each other and laughed in amazement as the nurses put on one after the other after the other.  We were in awe of our arms full.

After a few days of wear we each needed one less but I never took mine off.  I wore it until the ink started to fade and then carefully removed it because I was afraid to lose one more detail of her life.

While packing up my drawers today it slipped right into my hand along with grief too heavy to carry and I was useless once again.

I don't know how to pack up my daughter and the life she never had.  I don't know what to do with the memories collected on her shelf or her ashes or the clothes she did not wear.  A cardboard box falls entirely short.

I'm not sad to leave this house because all of the important things are coming with me.

I'm sad to do one more thing without her,
to go one more place without my whole family,
to keep on going with pain that is easier to put in a drawer than to face.

There is no guidebook for living after losing a baby, no section on how to pack your child's ashes, so I am learning I have to write my own...

And as this chapter begins I have decided what to write.

I will bring her to her new home just as I brought her to her first.

I will carry her.

October 15th

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.

Before we lost Hadley I didn't know that such a day existed.

I felt alone and shocked that I had lost a child.  I had no idea that when I was ready, there was a whole world of support out there waiting for me.

It saddens me to no end that there are so many women who are living with the pain of losing a child but at the same time, I don't know how I would have gotten through the last 3 years without them.

Some I have met in person, some I have emailed or talked with over the phone, some I have only met in the blog world and followed their journey through daily posts, finding comfort in their familiar feelings and hoping their good days out weigh the bad.

On this day of remembrance my hope is that others realize that pregnancy and infant loss touches many, many more women that you could ever imagine.  I appreciate everyone who comes here because I know that you know Hadley through me and her memory will live on through those who remember.

So today I remember all of the loss moms and their angel babies whose paths I have crossed over the last 3 years.

I never knew what strength I would find through all of you.

Heather and Ari
Dana and Benjamin
Amy and Caitlin
Allison and Alex
Ellen and Abigail and Emma
Jennifer and Logan
Veronica and Andrew
Karen and Hunter
Lisa and Alexander and Liam
Mishael and Emmalin and Elianna
Andrea and June and Charlie
Melinda and Bailey
Sarah and Alexander
Amanda and Levi
Becky and two of her triplets
Heather and one of her triplets
Nancy and Shelby, Megan and Lynne
Christina and Angelina and Gabriella
Natasha and Konstantin
Jill and Emma and Chase
Kristen and Peyton
Rachel and Courtney, Colin and Jaxon
Brianna and Lucia, Bennet, Tryg, Lincoln and Cadence
Martha and James
Laura and Andrew and Baby E
Allison and Ethan
Liliana and Angelito
Francesca and Jenna Belle
Kim and Jayce
Nikki and Finbar
Cathi and Gwyn, Raiden and Ryker
Jennifer and Emily
Keira and Zoe
Courtney and Logan, Wyatt and Brody
Jaime and Adam
Jennie and Katelyn

If they have a blog and you have a minute please visit one of these amazing moms today, read their story  and let them know their baby or babies will be remembered by you on this day.

In loving memory of Hadley Jane

October 9, 2007 - October 11, 2007

Today

Three years ago today you became an angel.


When I woke up this morning, my heart was heavy with the weight of this day.  I planned to blog about the heartache and pain of life without you but as the day went on plans changed...


We started out your day as we have each year since you left us Hadley.

We visited Grandma, and thanked her for taking care of you.

We sent you three pink balloons and watched them float up until you could reach them.


And then we headed home.


But as we made the drive home, your brothers and sister started getting a little antsy so we had to pull out all the stops.  We sang songs, counted buses going by (you know how Parker loves them), took off shoes and socks and tickled feet, whatever we could do to keep the car happy.


And that is when you told me what we should do next.


You said not to worry about naptime or laundry or answering the phone.


You told me it was beautiful outside and we should head out for our last boat ride because it will not be this nice again until spring.

And to tell Daddy to go fast because going slow is no fun.

You said we should have cupcakes for dinner

and that I should let your brother have one more when he asked.

You said to hold each other tight... your brother and sister had no problem with that one.

So we spent our afternoon just how you wanted us to, Hadley.


We played and giggled and filled the house with kisses and hugs, extra bedtime stories and I love you's, because you only live once and you never know just how short that life will be.


I hope we make you proud baby girl and that you looked down on us and smiled today.  You have taught us the fragility of life and how to cherish each other and how to love deeper than we ever thought possible.  


I miss you more than words could ever say but  I will always be grateful for all you have taught me and promise to cry for you less and celebrate you more. 


Love,
Your Mommy

We are 3!

Baby A- McKenna 2 lb. 10 oz.

Baby B- Parker 1lb. 14 oz.

Baby C- Hadley 2 lbs. 5 oz.

McKenna 1 year old

Parker 1 year old

McKenna 2 years old

Parker 2 years old

My 3 year old beautiful girl

My handsome 3 year old little man

What an amazing three years. You have brought more love to your mommy and daddy than you will ever know.  

As we put you to bed last night, on the eve of your third birthday I heard this as I shut the bedroom door...

Good night McKenna

Good night Parker

Happy Birthday McKenna

Happy Birthday Parker

Your birthday is October 9th McKenna, 

I will bake you a cake.

The only thing sweeter would have been one more little voice echoing the same.

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet babies