On To the Next Phase

After my last pregnancy and subsequent life threatening delivery, I was told by my doctor that I should not have anymore children.

Being one who does not like to be told what to do and who also tends to want another newborn the minute my last child (or children) drop the first sign of babyhood, I did not appreciate this warning.

Since that day I have been secretly dreaming of how to expand our family one person more.  I have thought about surrogacy and adoption and just about every other alternative to having just one more.  (If you know me in real life, I hope you were already fanning yourself during this confession, we don't need anyone passing out while blog reading.)

BUT

I think I'm done.  The dream is over.

I have been around a baby or two lately and the itch is gone.  I love holding them and breathing in that baby-soap scent but lately I am oddly content to give them back and return to running and playing with my active bunch while carrying a glass of wine (ooooh or a margarita) because I can.  My body is no longer inhabited by or providing nourishment for another being, and I can have a drink if I want to and sip extreme amounts of caffeine and take medication that actually works for a headache.

The baby phase of mommyhood is as amazing as it is challenging but I am not there anymore.  I am the mom to a strong-willed toddler and crazy three year olds and a moody teenager.  I have finally freed myself from the waiting-for-one-more baby stage and am content right where we are at.

The cradle is headed for craigslist and my maternity clothes are taking a one way trip to the Salvation Army.

As I said yesterday.

We are good.

Official title holder of the coveted "Youngest" spot

Stay tuned for next week's post:  Oops Honey, did I say that?  Let's go ahead and get that vasectomy reversed.

No one told me this either

We are moving.

Moving day is one day away and if you walked into our house right now you would never know we are going anywhere.

I have found another aspect of losing a baby that know one told me about.

Packing is paralyzing.

Every time I open a closet or drawer I stumble upon one more Hadley thing and I don't know what to do with it so I stop and try to start again somewhere else.

A year or so after we lost her I was able to fumble through her NICU items and fold up her unworn pink.  I put everything in a pretty box and put it up in our closet.  I cannot look in there often but I never forget it is there.

What I forgot about was the hidden pieces of grief.

I forgot about the social security card under my socks that had the audacity of showing up in our mailbox with the others and the "you can make it a little longer" note written by a dear friend of my mom's while I was still pregnant, hiding under my sweaters, holding beautiful thoughts of all I would look forward to in my life with triplets, and the cards and vases and dried flowers from her memorial, all more than I could bare to look at on a daily basis.

I had even forgotten about the bracelet.

When you have a baby in the NICU you get a hospital bracelet to wear that matches theirs.  You wear it until your baby comes home to identify you as the parent.

Mark and I had three.  As each baby was born we looked at each other and laughed in amazement as the nurses put on one after the other after the other.  We were in awe of our arms full.

After a few days of wear we each needed one less but I never took mine off.  I wore it until the ink started to fade and then carefully removed it because I was afraid to lose one more detail of her life.

While packing up my drawers today it slipped right into my hand along with grief too heavy to carry and I was useless once again.

I don't know how to pack up my daughter and the life she never had.  I don't know what to do with the memories collected on her shelf or her ashes or the clothes she did not wear.  A cardboard box falls entirely short.

I'm not sad to leave this house because all of the important things are coming with me.

I'm sad to do one more thing without her,
to go one more place without my whole family,
to keep on going with pain that is easier to put in a drawer than to face.

There is no guidebook for living after losing a baby, no section on how to pack your child's ashes, so I am learning I have to write my own...

And as this chapter begins I have decided what to write.

I will bring her to her new home just as I brought her to her first.

I will carry her.

My little blog

... has just gotten its first award, given by Pam over at Pieces of Me.  Pam has a beautiful blog and is an amazing photographer so I was honored that she chose me.

In order to accept this award I have to do two things and before I start, let me just warn everyone that I am less than one month from the triplets birthday and the anniversary of all that happened after their birth so from here until, oh mid October, I may be a bit on the deep/emotional side.

With that said I am supposed to answer this...

1. If you had a chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

I think that every loss mom gets a serious case of the "what ifs" after they lose a child.  My "what if" has always been:
What if I had questioned the doctor more on his decision to deliver the triplets so early?

The day of my delivery my least favorite physician was on.  I had made it through a million different labor scares during my long hospital stay but this time the OB on that day decided I needed to deliver.  I did not question him, it all happened so fast and at almost 29 weeks we knew our babies would be in the NICU but never thought they would not all survive.  I started getting excited instead of grilling him over why this time was different than all of the others.

I wish I would have questioned him more, demanded that we wait until my physicians could get there, done something so that I would have a little bit more piece of mind about my delivery or maybe have even stayed pregnant a few more days, a few more days that would have made my babies stronger and gave them all a better chance at life. 

But, of course, I will never know and for my own sanity have had to press pass the "what ifs" and try to make peace with my delivery, knowing that we followed what we thought was best at the time and what happened afterwards was far beyond our control.

The second stipulation of my award is much more fun and much less deep...



2.  Pass this award on to 6 other bloggers that you love.


So my awards go to...


Sarah at Loving My Life- I just recently starting following Sarah and, besides being extremely well done, her blog contains a mix of amazing photographs and great stories about her boys.

The Grasshoppa-   She is just hilarious, there is not much more to say.


Courtney at The Peeks- Courtney has overcome the devastating loss of three children and openly blogs about her journey through infertility.  I'm addicted to checking her blog until she has a baby in her arms.


Liz from The Weaver Triplets- Liz is an amazing mom to triplets, two who have autism.  She honestly blogs about the good days and the bad and has become an incredible friend.


Devon at Life As We Know It- I just recently started following Devon and I have blog envy.  I love the way her blog is organized and all of her beautiful pictures AND she has a great blog button (My next blog task is to figure out how to make one of those).


Amy from Life Interrupted- Amy also lost a triplet and has been such a support to me.  Her blog is open, honest and I'm either laughing or crying every time I read.

Thanks again for the award Pam, it is an honor to be selected by such a great blogger!

Sawyer's first year

The Name Stories

I love the idea for Show Me Your Life at Kelly's Korner this week so had to participate.  Here is the story behind the names of my children...

Ashlyn Taylor
I saw the name Ashlyn in an Irish folklore book in high school (yes, I was pregnant in high school for those of you who don't know... one of these days I will blog the whole story in case your curious).  Ashlyn's middle name Taylor was a name I had always loved so that was that.  Being a single mom made the name-picking simple.  I found them, I loved them and my beautiful Ashlyn was named.
Since I decided to do things the traditional way the second, third, forth and fifth time around I had a husband to cooperate with on the rest of my names :)

McKenna Karen
Mark brought up the name McKenna after I volunteered him to help at a family picnic at my work.  He ended up at the face painting table and one of his little customers was the cutest redhead named McKenna.  We both loved the name and once we knew our triplets were going to be two girls and a boy we decided our first girl would be McKenna since it was the first name we agreed on.  Karen is the first name of Mark's late mom... so glad she carries the name of her grandma.

Parker Murphy
I honestly cannot remember where we first heard the name Parker (sorry, Parker) but I know that as soon as we heard it we both loved it and the boy name discussion was over.  Murphy is the maiden name of Mark's late mom.  I loved the idea of using Murphy for Parker's middle name.  I might be biased but I thought we chose the perfect boy name.  We had such a hard time with a boy name the next time around because we didn't think anything could top the first!

Hadley Jane
Can I just say before I explain that I LOVE typing her name??  I love saying it, reading it, writing it, every chance I get.
Hadley's name was the hardest for us to decide on.  I had read a book years ago (which I am now dying to find the name of) that had a girl named Hadley as one of the main characters.  I fell in love with the name and saved it somewhere in my mind.  Mark was not a big fan when I brought it up early in my pregnancy.  He actually gave it a definite "no" so I gave up and we debated our Baby C's name my whole pregnancy.  Right before I ended up giving birth he brought up the name Hadley out of nowhere.  He had admitted a new student to school named Hadley and said she was the sweetest girl and reminded him of what our girls may be like some day.  So, I got my way and Hadley it was.  We actually decided on her name when they were wheeling me into my c-section.  Jane was after my maternal grandmother Mary Jane.  I'm so glad I named one of my girls after her, I just wish they could have met.  The funny thing about Hadley's name is, since we debated it for so long, I felt like I knew her the best when they were born.  We would watch her in the ultrasounds, talk about how she moved and what kind of personality she might have, searching for the perfect name.  We never knew what precious time that was.

Sawyer Mark
This was a tough one.  We did not know what we were having so we debated the WHOLE pregnancy.  If he was a girl he would not have had a name at birth, he probably still would not have a name now.  We just could not agree.  I had all of these issues with our kids names being the same style, not beginning with the same letter, etc, etc and Mark had a bad student with the name of every single name I had left.   At some point I saw a picture of two brothers named Hudson and Sawyer and loved both names.  Hudson did not go with our last name so Sawyer was my pick and Mark decided on Owen.  Once Mark watched me go through days of labor trying to keep our little baby in as long as possible he decided it would be my pick :)  I was still going back and forth while I was heading into my c-section on giving Mark Owen or picking Sawyer.  The nurse anesthetist actually helped me decide while they were placing my spinal when she told me they had delivered lots of Owens in the last week.  His middle name is of course after his daddy.

And that is how we came about our names.

Welcome Baby Boy!

I am way behind in posting but wanted to announce the birth of our new little boy, Sawyer Mark. Sawyer was born June 9 weighing 5lbs. 2oz. He is still in the Special Care Nursery but doing very well. We hope to have him home very soon. I had quite a few complications after delivery, thus the late post. The doctors and nurses at Henry Ford West Bloomfield were truly amazing, we can't thank them enough for all they did for our family. My recovery is going very slowly from all of the complications so I am anxious to get back on my feet and to be able to keep up with my kids again. I'm sure Mark is just as anxious as I am, he has been on double duty for a long, long time now.
Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support!

Just a few hours old

8 days old and no more iv or tubes!

34 weeks and in the hospital

So I am 34 weeks today but am now posting from my hospital bed. Yesterday my contractions really picked up so I was admitted to Labor and Delivery. They administered a dose of steroids for the baby's lungs and have been trying to hold off my labor long enough to get the second dose in today. So far things are going okay, I'm contracting about every 5 minutes now and am 1 cm dialated but the doctor said the baby's head is at zero station so things could change at any time.

The kids are all doing pretty well. The babies have no idea what is going on but seem to be adjusting to the different faces coming in and out of the house. Ashlyn is hanging in there but I know this brings back lots of memories for her of the last time I was in the hospital and it just breaks my heart. She is a toughy though and I know she will keep being strong and we will have a fun summer vacation to enjoy together very soon. Many thanks to Uncle Brett, Aunt Marianne and Nana and Papa for taking shifts the last two days to get us through all of this craziness!

Please keep our family in your thoughts. 34 weeks is a great place to be but we would still like to go much longer. Unfortunately, losing a child has taken away that "everything will be fine" feeling that should be getting me through right now. Being back in the hospital brings back many memories of our last delivery and has just made me miss our little girl so much more. I will be so happy when the day comes that this new little baby is safe and sound in our arms.

Thanks to everyone for all of your support,
Jessica

32 weeks and counting

Somehow we have made it to 32 weeks. When I was in the hospital almost 5 weeks ago, I really did not think we would get much further and also couldn't imagine how we would all survive bedrest if we did. Everyone has adjusted to our temporary craziness over here and we seem to be getting through the days. It is so nice to know that all of this rest is paying off and that we may actually get to have a take home baby this time! Many thanks to everyone who has been helping us get through each day. I am determined to get to at least 34 weeks and if we get there then I will stand on my head to get to 36... whatever it takes to avoid the NICU!

Parker doing his nightly check of my tummy

Snuggling before bed... my favorite time of the day

Parker and Daddy's version of snuggling

This is totally off the subject of this post but I couldn't resist. Remember the cute kitchen we bought the kids? This is what it looks like after a few weeks in our house!

Easter in May and 30 weeks

So I am finally getting around to posting our pictures from Easter weekend. How terrible is that?? You would think with all of the bed rest I would have plenty of time but I tend to just move from bed to couch with two little toddlers at my side and then spend my evenings in Ashlyn's room laying on her bed doing homework or playing games. The bedrest has been well worth it because I have finally made it to 30 weeks!! We are very happy to be at this point but hoping for as many more days or weeks as we can get. Thanks to everyone for their support and to my wonderful husband for keeping our crazy household going each day.

On to the Easter pics (no pictures of big sister Ashlyn because she was just starting to get that terrible flu bug that went through our house)...

Visiting with cousin Gracie

The little girls

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed

Pretty McKenna

Handsome Parker

Sitting with Nana (I love the look on his face!)

Waiting, so patiently, for their Easter baskets from Nana and Papa

Easter egg hunt

My favorite picture from the day

29 weeks!

Believe it or not we have made it one more week. I am 29 weeks now, 2 days further than I was when I delivered the triplets, and feeling a little bit more hopeful that we can make it a few more weeks rather than just a few more days. I received a good report from the high risk doctor on Friday. The baby is growing well and my body is holding steady since our scare last week. Thanks so much to all of our family who helped us get through my first week of bedrest. Thanks to my parents, brothers and Aunt Sandy and Marianne for watching the kids and helping with the house and to Aunt Nancy for the great meals. We couldn't have done it without you!! We have a sitter starting this week and I'm sure all of you have been counting the days :)

On another note, the kids were starting to get bored with all of their baby toys so Daddy bought them a play kitchen this weekend. They LOVE it and have spent the whole weekend opening and shutting doors and chewing on pretend food. Thanks Daddy! Here are a few pics...

Update on the next Watson

Well first I will start with the good news:
- I am 28 weeks pregnant today
- The baby is doing well
- I am at home

Now here's the rest of the story... this past week I ended up in Labor & Delivery. I got the flu and ultimately went into labor. I was admitted and things slowly got under control but lost what little cervix I had left. I was sent home Friday on strict bedrest so we are now just taking things day by day. After all we went through with the triplets we were really hoping for a semi-normal pregnancy this time but it turns out that is not going to be the case. We are working on arrangements for the day to day care of everyone around here and trying to keep things as normal as possible. So far the kids are all hanging in there, probably better than we are! We would appreciate it if everyone could keep this little one in your thoughts. I have already told Parker and McKenna to talk to my stomach and explain to their little brother or sister that the first couple months are no fun out here if you decide to come this early!

Many thanks to our friends and family for your support and a very special thank you to my parents, brothers and Aunt Marianne, Sandy & Nancy. I don't know what we would do without all of you. I continue to be amazed by your love and support for us.

Line up

I am determined to get belly pics to chronicle my pregnancy this time. We tried with the triplets but never got enough so tonight Mark was going to take my 14 week shot and the next thing we knew there was a line up at my belly. I can only imagine how fascinated they will be when I'm really big...

McKenna giving me a little pat.

This one is my favorite, he was particularly interested in my belly button.

Just a sweet pic of McKenna in her jammies.

The best Christmas present

We had an extra surprise this Christmas, here is the video of the babies telling Mark all about it. I apologize in advance for the semi-swearing, Mark said apparently he reverts to street slang when he is in shock :)

27 weeks today

Today is 27 weeks, just a week away from our next big goal of 28. Our growth scan was today and the girls are 1 lb 15 oz each followed by their brother who is 1 lb 10 oz. They all showed great lung development, heart function and blood flow so things with the babies are going as good as they could be.

I'm posting a tummy picture after many requests. I am growing by the day at this point, I can't believe I can grow this quickly and that there is still room for more!

Thanks as always for your prayers and well wishes,

Jessica

24 weeks and counting

We have finally made it to 24 weeks. When I was admitted four weeks ago we weren't sure we would get to this point (and it seemed so far away!) but we have. Getting this far will give our little ones a much better chance and everyday from here on out is just one more day for them to grow and get stronger.

Thanks so much to everyone for their prayers, support and help. We couldn't do it without you.

Love,

Mark, Jessica, Ashlyn and the babies

Nana's Prayers

Ashlyn, Bruce & I just left the hospital after visiting Jessica, Mark, and the tiny little Watson Three. Jessica's spirit and sense of humor are nothing short of remarkable. Mark hovers protectively every day, and Ashlyn...she misses her mom but we are keeping her busy, or she is keeping us busy.
Over three weeks in the hospital and I am convinced that all our wonderful, wonderful friends and relatives prayers, as well as some special intervention from Grandpa Riney in heaven, are keeping the babies where they need to be. The triplets are in for quite a life with such great parents and a host of relatives, all just waiting and praying...thanks to all of you!!

The Baby Map

Last night I had a great visit from Ashlyn, my parents and Brett. Ashlyn and my mom decided that we should make a map out of my stomach to show everyone where each baby is so with a little help from lipstick, you can see in the pictures where everyone is at along with big sister Ashlyn's cute new haircut.

Jessica

Some good news... finally

I am happy to be able to finally post with some good news. Today the cardiologist came in to do an echocardiogram on Baby B. As Mark posted last week, there was a concern that she may have a ventricular septal defect (VSD). Well after a long look at her tiny heart the cardiologist did not feel that she has VSD and said we do not have anything to worry about. They also checked my cervix length and, although I don't have much left, is had remained unchanged for 2 weeks now despite all of my contractions. Dr. Kazzi, our perinatologist, was very happy and seems to think we have a good chance at getting to 28 weeks. This Friday they will begin giving me steriod injections to help speed up the babies' lung development and then we will meet with the NICU team on Monday so that they can explain what to expect when the babies do get here.

Tomorrow will be 23 weeks and we are feeling more hopeful with our good reports today. Mark has lots of projects now to get the house ready for the babies and I am starting my online shopping :) The good news was such a nice boost! Thanks to everyone for all of your thoughts, prayers and support.

Jessica

my wife is making me write in the BLOG

Jess is still in the Hospital and is the strongest person I know. It's been two weeks and a day in bed. The news lately has been mixed. All three babies are doing well. However, we did get news that one of the girls might have vsd (ventricular septum disorder). A specialist will be here wednesday. The doctors have said not to worry. Other than that, the babies weights are great and seem to be as healthy as they can be. Last Wednesdays ultasound indicated that the babies weigh (baby A) 1 pound, (baby B) 1 pound 2 ounces and (baby C) is 1 pound. FYI-(A) is my boy and (b) and (C) are the girls. Jess is in good spirits, but she misses home! I miss her at home! The doctors and nurses have been taking great care of her. We are fortunate to have Grandma (aka Nanna) and Grandpa (aka Pappa) in our lives. They are best. They have been taking care of Ashlyn. As you can imagine, Ashlyn misses her mom at home. Thank you Nanna and Pappa for everything!!!

Mark

Still Here...

Well, we are still here. I've been in the hospital for about a week and a half now and we're still hanging on. Our tests this week showed that the babies are doing great but my cervix continues to shorten and I continue to have contractions. So, unfortunately, we are still holding our breath.

Everyone has been so wonderful. My mom has coordinated care for Ashlyn so she has been traveling through the family since I got here. She has visited quite a bit and even got to spend the night once so it doing pretty well.

The babies are growing so quickly now, especially will me laying still all day, although it is pretty hard to get in all the calories I need from hospital food :P Mark has been wonderful, bringing me lunch from outside this place, staying with me, keeping me sane (well trying anyway). He has done more than I could have ever asked for. Even though this is a rough time it has showed me how lucky I truly am.

Hope to post with pictures soon, no camera here yet!

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers,

Jessica