Honesty

I read an amazing blog the other day and the author said that she "blogs like no one is reading." I'm not good at this but am going to start trying. Here is my first attempt at spilling it...

Tonight at dinner I looked at my husband and said, very eloquently,
"Today sucks."
He looked at me like I was a loon (I've seen this look many times) because it had been a good day and it had. But good days can be the worst because on a good day, you take your kids to the park and watch them climb up the stairs for the slide and see the perfect space where their sister should be climbing too.
On a good day you find the cutest dress in a 2T and see that it comes in another color and hate that you don't have a reason to buy both.
And on a good day you say your daughters name once, hear how beautiful it sounds and wish you needed to say it a million times more each day... so many times that it doesn't give you a lump in your throat and you forget how much you love it.
The truth is I don't even know what a good daty is any more. I'm still waiting for it all not to hurt so much.
There is no where that I go that the ache of loss does not follow.

So that is my honesty for today, my post that no one is reading. I'm sure tomorrow I will get swept up in the craziness of our day and be able to blog about the silly things my kids have done and how I love them all to pieces but right now it is quiet enough for me to spend time with their sister and grieve a little.