Happy Anniversary

I have decided that I'm going to try to attempt a picture a day again for the month of May.  I did it in February and love having so many pictures to look back on.  Since then I have completely slacked on taking pictures.  So I have decided to document May in pictures and will be counting down until my little Sawyer turns one (the year has gone by way too fast!).

On another note, today is my parents anniversary.

Happy Anniversary to my amazing parents!  Love you!!!!!

Another Angel

I realize that the majority of my posts lately have been a little on the melancholy side and I promise I am going to get back to my usual, mindless posts very soon but I just have one more that might require kleenex.

Today a beloved little sixth grader from my husband's school lost her battle with cancer.

For the life of me I just cannot wrap my brain around why children die.  Why any parent has to live through saying goodbye to their child, whether they are 2 days or 12 years old, is incomprehensible to me.  I was in the car, taking the kids to visit Mark when he called and told me the news and I got that terrible feeling where you look around and wonder how in the world everything keeps moving and everyone carries on as normal when somewhere not too far away, there is a family going through such incomprehensible pain.   I just really don't understand this horrible world of loss that I have discovered over the last few years.  There are so many of us, so many moms who have lost a child and now one more.  My heart hurts for them and I will go to bed tonight hoping that this new little angel has found Hadley's hand to hold.

We walked

Today was the March for Babies.  We were the ambassador family this year so after a very emotional speech we enjoyed the walk surrounded by our amazing family.

Mark and I were completely humbled by the amount of money our family team was able to raise and how many people came to walk with us despite the grim weather forecast.

I can never say enough how much it means to me that so many people walk with us to keep Hadley's memory alive.

As my children grow, I realize that this walk is not just a way for us to give back but it is a day for them to understand what they have overcome and a chance for them to spend time with their sister's memory.

Tonight at dinner I asked the kids what their favorite part of the walk was.

My little two and a half year old man's answer?

Hadley.

Ready to walk

There are only 4 days left until the March for Babies and I can't wait.  Last year I was pregnant with Sawyer and was put on bedrest the week before the walk so our huge team of family members walked without me.  To say I was disappointed to have to miss it was an understatement.  I think I cried the whole time they were gone (I'm sure pregnancy hormones played a roll in my blubbering).  Of course I was off my feet for a very good cause and managed to stay pregnant until 34 weeks which brings me to why we are walking.

I have had four preemies, one who never got the chance to come home.  Our family is walking for our preemies and our angel.  I can't wait to spend a day dedicated to Hadley.  I love every minute of the preparation for our walk because this is one of the few things I can still do for her.

When we walk on Sunday I will be thinking of all of those other loss moms out there I have met along this journey.  I know it will be emotional and I will be thinking of Hadley every minute but I also will cherish the fact that I have a stroller full of survivors to walk with me.

Our team is very close to our goal so please donate if you can...

One more day

...of McKenna's trial of antibiotics and we have not seen any signs of improvement with her limping,

Not a single one.

If anything she is worse.  She seems to be doing all kinds of odd steps with her feet just to keep them both going in the same direction.

Ugh.

Late Friday I did talk with a wonderful doctor who offered to review her case with some of his colleagues who often treat rare disorders.  I spent the evening leaving messages with everyone she has seen thus far asking that they fax everything they have on McKenna to this physician.  Hold your breath for us that someone in the group comes up with something.

On a different note, all of these McKenna updates have left me seriously neglecting the cute pictures I have of the rest of the kids.  Here are a few I've been hanging on to...

The best little cheeks!

Yes, we let him in.  Sometimes :)

Sawyer and his Hawaiian girl out on the lake.

Two steps back

So we were starting to get our hopes up that whatever has been going on with McKenna was slowly going away and it was just going to be one of those weird things that we would never quite have an answer for.  Her coordination and strength were improving and the limp was still there but unless you knew to look for it you would barely notice it.  We thought we could just stick with OT and PT and take a break from our quest to find an answer.

Then the weekend came.

Saturday we thought we might be seeing things because she seemed to be limping more than not.

Sunday the limp was in full swing again and we were cringing as McKenna tried to keep up her usual pace.

Monday she woke up with a FEVER.  AGAIN.  The nervous pit in my stomach that I had for all of those weeks she was doing so poorly returned as well.

Tuesday more fever, more limping, decreased coordination, etc., etc.  We headed back to the pediatrician who was planning a trip to Children's Hospital for us but then found an ear infection as the source of her fever.  He has decided, as a last effort to avoid more tests, more hospitals, more unhappiness for my poor little McKenna, to try a strong course of antibiotics in hopes that it will clear up the ear infection and maybe some type of lingering infection that could be causing the limp.

No one is sure if this will work or not but we are hoping and praying it will.

Belonging

I think from the day we found out I was having triplets and I started researching what our new life would be like I had visions of toting three little ones around in the coveted Choo Choo Wagon.  Everyone with triplets has one, well at least everyone who bought one before they went out of production has one.  I could not wait to join the ranks of the gauked-at triplet mommies who had to use a Choo Choo.

Of course, my dreams of life and how we would live it raising three little people changed dramatically.  In the blink of an eye, two and a half years ago today, my future life as a triplet mommy, the one I had comfortably settled in to imagining, was gone.  Since we were blessed with our little surprise baby while our survivors where still babies themselves I was left oddly in search of some of the "triplety" items that I had once been so anxious to have and of course the Choo Choo was at the top of my list.

When I was pregnant with Sawyer I wondered how this would be, to need three of things again, things that screamed "I have triplets" because I don't.

But I do.

One of those little, no one told me about this, parts of being a loss mom is that you don't exactly fit anywhere.  You are not a mom to twins so the local multiples group may make you cringe and you are not a mom to three living, breathing triplets either so you do not have as much in common with all those triplet moms that you used to talk to either.  Which brings me to the purpose of this whole long post.

After we lost Hadley I fell off the triplet mom planet.  I stopped using the triplet resources I used to use, I stopped talking with the group of triplet moms who I kept in close touch with during our pregnancies.  I felt like I did not belong with them anymore and was, of course, envious of the life they had.

One by one, every triplet mom who I had met along our pregnancy journey contacted me again.  Everyone felt terrible about our loss and no one thought for a minute that I was not worthy of still being part of the triplet mommy world.  They pulled me back into the loop and have supported me over the last two and half years whether we are on the same journey or not.

One of them even searched out and found the choo choo for me.

In there own way, they have each reminded me that I am just as much a triplet mom as I was before we lost Hadley and have helped me to heal more than they know.

So when we headed out in our brand new ride this weekend did I think of Hadley and wish we needed a triple wagon a year or two ago?  Of course I did, but I was able to blink back the tears and know that my new little guy was in her seat, not taking her place but definitely right where he is supposed to be.

It is nice to belong

Easter and updates

I have had a terrible time getting around to updating the blog this week.  

Here is the current McKenna update:

She had an MRI of her spine, thorax and abdomen on Friday and lots and lots of blood work ordered by the rheumatologist and the neurologist.  So far everything is coming back FINE!  We are thrilled the MRI came back okay.  I have been a nervous wreck since Friday, waiting to get the results.  Now we are just waiting for the remainder of the blood work and beginning an aggressive schedule of occupational and physical therapy to help McKenna get back to her old self regardless of what is causing all of her symptoms.  In the meantime she remains a medical mystery and this whole experience has left her completely scared of everything.  The poor thing is so afraid of getting poked and prodded that it is hard for her to do much of anything outside of the house right now.  I am hoping with some time away from all of the testing for a bit that she will start to get back to her old shy self instead of the new shy, paranoid, cries-if-someone-looks-at-her self.  

We had a great Easter at Nana and Papa's house.  I know I am biased but all of my kids looked great.  You will have to just imagine what Ashlyn looked like because believe it or not Ms. Teenager was not interested in dressing up or posing for many pictures, apparently her days of cute little Easter dresses are over :(

                                      

The closest we got to everyone looking at the camera

Showing his empty basket after his sister helped herself to everything he had already picked up.

Pretty, pretty

Sawyer was not a big fan of the grass which is why he is not sporting his usual grin.

LOVED their new bubblemakers from Nana and Papa and you can even see a little glimpse of Ms.Teenager blowing bubbles in their direction.

Tests, tests and more test

We are still trying to find an answer to why McKenna is limping.  We saw another new specialist today which means more new tests.  Poor McKenna has been through so much that she was already crying by the time we hit the waiting room.  It breaks my heart to know she has to go through more poking and prodding but I know we need to find an answer to help her get better.  She won't remember this in a few years, right??? 

We have been told that "no news is good news" in terms of her upcoming tests as they are testing for some very serious conditions.  Please keep us in your thoughts and cross your fingers that we do not receive any news over the Easter weekend.

I finally managed to upload a few pics from the last week too...

The kids passing the time with balloons during the 48 hour EEG.  

She managed to smile through it (most of the time).  I'm sure the usual antics of her brother helped to keep her mind off the test.

They also scored a 50's style diner to keep us all from going stir-crazy in the house.  Just in case you were wondering she still has her attitude and her sense of style and of course nonstop entertainment from her brother, whether she wants it or not.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support, I will try to update again soon!