Happy Anniversary

I have decided that I'm going to try to attempt a picture a day again for the month of May.  I did it in February and love having so many pictures to look back on.  Since then I have completely slacked on taking pictures.  So I have decided to document May in pictures and will be counting down until my little Sawyer turns one (the year has gone by way too fast!).

On another note, today is my parents anniversary.

Happy Anniversary to my amazing parents!  Love you!!!!!

Another Angel

I realize that the majority of my posts lately have been a little on the melancholy side and I promise I am going to get back to my usual, mindless posts very soon but I just have one more that might require kleenex.

Today a beloved little sixth grader from my husband's school lost her battle with cancer.

For the life of me I just cannot wrap my brain around why children die.  Why any parent has to live through saying goodbye to their child, whether they are 2 days or 12 years old, is incomprehensible to me.  I was in the car, taking the kids to visit Mark when he called and told me the news and I got that terrible feeling where you look around and wonder how in the world everything keeps moving and everyone carries on as normal when somewhere not too far away, there is a family going through such incomprehensible pain.   I just really don't understand this horrible world of loss that I have discovered over the last few years.  There are so many of us, so many moms who have lost a child and now one more.  My heart hurts for them and I will go to bed tonight hoping that this new little angel has found Hadley's hand to hold.

We walked

Today was the March for Babies.  We were the ambassador family this year so after a very emotional speech we enjoyed the walk surrounded by our amazing family.

Mark and I were completely humbled by the amount of money our family team was able to raise and how many people came to walk with us despite the grim weather forecast.

I can never say enough how much it means to me that so many people walk with us to keep Hadley's memory alive.

As my children grow, I realize that this walk is not just a way for us to give back but it is a day for them to understand what they have overcome and a chance for them to spend time with their sister's memory.

Tonight at dinner I asked the kids what their favorite part of the walk was.

My little two and a half year old man's answer?

Hadley.

Ready to walk

There are only 4 days left until the March for Babies and I can't wait.  Last year I was pregnant with Sawyer and was put on bedrest the week before the walk so our huge team of family members walked without me.  To say I was disappointed to have to miss it was an understatement.  I think I cried the whole time they were gone (I'm sure pregnancy hormones played a roll in my blubbering).  Of course I was off my feet for a very good cause and managed to stay pregnant until 34 weeks which brings me to why we are walking.

I have had four preemies, one who never got the chance to come home.  Our family is walking for our preemies and our angel.  I can't wait to spend a day dedicated to Hadley.  I love every minute of the preparation for our walk because this is one of the few things I can still do for her.

When we walk on Sunday I will be thinking of all of those other loss moms out there I have met along this journey.  I know it will be emotional and I will be thinking of Hadley every minute but I also will cherish the fact that I have a stroller full of survivors to walk with me.

Our team is very close to our goal so please donate if you can...

One more day

...of McKenna's trial of antibiotics and we have not seen any signs of improvement with her limping,

Not a single one.

If anything she is worse.  She seems to be doing all kinds of odd steps with her feet just to keep them both going in the same direction.

Ugh.

Late Friday I did talk with a wonderful doctor who offered to review her case with some of his colleagues who often treat rare disorders.  I spent the evening leaving messages with everyone she has seen thus far asking that they fax everything they have on McKenna to this physician.  Hold your breath for us that someone in the group comes up with something.

On a different note, all of these McKenna updates have left me seriously neglecting the cute pictures I have of the rest of the kids.  Here are a few I've been hanging on to...

The best little cheeks!

Yes, we let him in.  Sometimes :)

Sawyer and his Hawaiian girl out on the lake.

Two steps back

So we were starting to get our hopes up that whatever has been going on with McKenna was slowly going away and it was just going to be one of those weird things that we would never quite have an answer for.  Her coordination and strength were improving and the limp was still there but unless you knew to look for it you would barely notice it.  We thought we could just stick with OT and PT and take a break from our quest to find an answer.

Then the weekend came.

Saturday we thought we might be seeing things because she seemed to be limping more than not.

Sunday the limp was in full swing again and we were cringing as McKenna tried to keep up her usual pace.

Monday she woke up with a FEVER.  AGAIN.  The nervous pit in my stomach that I had for all of those weeks she was doing so poorly returned as well.

Tuesday more fever, more limping, decreased coordination, etc., etc.  We headed back to the pediatrician who was planning a trip to Children's Hospital for us but then found an ear infection as the source of her fever.  He has decided, as a last effort to avoid more tests, more hospitals, more unhappiness for my poor little McKenna, to try a strong course of antibiotics in hopes that it will clear up the ear infection and maybe some type of lingering infection that could be causing the limp.

No one is sure if this will work or not but we are hoping and praying it will.

Belonging

I think from the day we found out I was having triplets and I started researching what our new life would be like I had visions of toting three little ones around in the coveted Choo Choo Wagon.  Everyone with triplets has one, well at least everyone who bought one before they went out of production has one.  I could not wait to join the ranks of the gauked-at triplet mommies who had to use a Choo Choo.

Of course, my dreams of life and how we would live it raising three little people changed dramatically.  In the blink of an eye, two and a half years ago today, my future life as a triplet mommy, the one I had comfortably settled in to imagining, was gone.  Since we were blessed with our little surprise baby while our survivors where still babies themselves I was left oddly in search of some of the "triplety" items that I had once been so anxious to have and of course the Choo Choo was at the top of my list.

When I was pregnant with Sawyer I wondered how this would be, to need three of things again, things that screamed "I have triplets" because I don't.

But I do.

One of those little, no one told me about this, parts of being a loss mom is that you don't exactly fit anywhere.  You are not a mom to twins so the local multiples group may make you cringe and you are not a mom to three living, breathing triplets either so you do not have as much in common with all those triplet moms that you used to talk to either.  Which brings me to the purpose of this whole long post.

After we lost Hadley I fell off the triplet mom planet.  I stopped using the triplet resources I used to use, I stopped talking with the group of triplet moms who I kept in close touch with during our pregnancies.  I felt like I did not belong with them anymore and was, of course, envious of the life they had.

One by one, every triplet mom who I had met along our pregnancy journey contacted me again.  Everyone felt terrible about our loss and no one thought for a minute that I was not worthy of still being part of the triplet mommy world.  They pulled me back into the loop and have supported me over the last two and half years whether we are on the same journey or not.

One of them even searched out and found the choo choo for me.

In there own way, they have each reminded me that I am just as much a triplet mom as I was before we lost Hadley and have helped me to heal more than they know.

So when we headed out in our brand new ride this weekend did I think of Hadley and wish we needed a triple wagon a year or two ago?  Of course I did, but I was able to blink back the tears and know that my new little guy was in her seat, not taking her place but definitely right where he is supposed to be.

It is nice to belong

Easter and updates

I have had a terrible time getting around to updating the blog this week.  

Here is the current McKenna update:

She had an MRI of her spine, thorax and abdomen on Friday and lots and lots of blood work ordered by the rheumatologist and the neurologist.  So far everything is coming back FINE!  We are thrilled the MRI came back okay.  I have been a nervous wreck since Friday, waiting to get the results.  Now we are just waiting for the remainder of the blood work and beginning an aggressive schedule of occupational and physical therapy to help McKenna get back to her old self regardless of what is causing all of her symptoms.  In the meantime she remains a medical mystery and this whole experience has left her completely scared of everything.  The poor thing is so afraid of getting poked and prodded that it is hard for her to do much of anything outside of the house right now.  I am hoping with some time away from all of the testing for a bit that she will start to get back to her old shy self instead of the new shy, paranoid, cries-if-someone-looks-at-her self.  

We had a great Easter at Nana and Papa's house.  I know I am biased but all of my kids looked great.  You will have to just imagine what Ashlyn looked like because believe it or not Ms. Teenager was not interested in dressing up or posing for many pictures, apparently her days of cute little Easter dresses are over :(

                                      

The closest we got to everyone looking at the camera

Showing his empty basket after his sister helped herself to everything he had already picked up.

Pretty, pretty

Sawyer was not a big fan of the grass which is why he is not sporting his usual grin.

LOVED their new bubblemakers from Nana and Papa and you can even see a little glimpse of Ms.Teenager blowing bubbles in their direction.

Tests, tests and more test

We are still trying to find an answer to why McKenna is limping.  We saw another new specialist today which means more new tests.  Poor McKenna has been through so much that she was already crying by the time we hit the waiting room.  It breaks my heart to know she has to go through more poking and prodding but I know we need to find an answer to help her get better.  She won't remember this in a few years, right??? 

We have been told that "no news is good news" in terms of her upcoming tests as they are testing for some very serious conditions.  Please keep us in your thoughts and cross your fingers that we do not receive any news over the Easter weekend.

I finally managed to upload a few pics from the last week too...

The kids passing the time with balloons during the 48 hour EEG.  

She managed to smile through it (most of the time).  I'm sure the usual antics of her brother helped to keep her mind off the test.

They also scored a 50's style diner to keep us all from going stir-crazy in the house.  Just in case you were wondering she still has her attitude and her sense of style and of course nonstop entertainment from her brother, whether she wants it or not.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support, I will try to update again soon!

Where is that stupid light??

Ugh, I never should have posted about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Either someone shut off the light or this is a very long tunnel.

While McKenna's health has improved and she has gained some balance back she is limping horribly AGAIN.  After getting out of the hospital McKenna was off balance, uncoordinated and floppy with some tic-like movements but the limp that started all of this was gone.  Well, she woke up Saturday morning with the limp in full swing.  I think she is starting to hate walking.  She walks a little, tries something different, crawling or scooting or a funny little gallup... anything to keep her legs moving and get her where she wants to go.  She does not complain or call any attention to whatever in the world is going on with her legs though.  This is all just SO strange and it is driving me crazy to not have an answer.

In the meantime it is still life as usual in our house.

Sawyer has started crawling and, more amazingly, sleeping.  I can't remember the last time I actually slept through a full night.  How I missed sleep.

Ashlyn competed in her first Special Olympics swimming meet and won two second place medals and a third place medal.  We are so proud of her!  Unfortunately I was in the hospital with McKenna so could not watch her compete.  Thank goodness for grandparents and video cameras!

Parker is his same wild self.  He had a blast being spoiled by a variety of different people who kept him busy over the past two weeks.  Every day he goes through the list of names of people he hopes are coming to visit... Nana, Papa, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Marynan, Mamanda and Uncle Bet.  They all took a turn at chasing him while McKenna was in the hospital and we appreciate it so much.

Many thanks again for all of the love and support from everyone!

(I wanted to add some pictures to this post but they won't upload, hopefully I can add them later.)

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I'm almost afraid to say it but I think I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  McKenna has been steadily improving over the last few days and today is the first day that I feel like I can actually watch her play instead of hovering over her in fear of her falling at any moment.

Yesterday she finished a 48 hour brain wave study.  I have never been so relieved to have her wake up early, I could not wait to get all of the electrodes off of her head and disconnect her from her monitor.  Today we had a very long visit with the pediatrician while she went over all of the testing that has been done in and out of the hospital.  We will be starting physical therapy and are also going to see a rheumatologist while waiting for the results of her brain study.  The pediatrician also called me after we left her office with a possible lead on what McKenna may have.  It is called Sydenham's Chorea and the characteristics of the disorder sound very similar to what she is experiencing.

I am doing better with things now that we have a plan.  We were discharged from the hospital with no diagnosis or plan for rehabilitation so it has been a tough week.  The nurse at our doctor's office actually offered to buy me a bottle of wine after I cracked when she asked me how things were going.  Being back in the hospital with her after all she went through as an infant was so difficult.  As much as we would like a diagnosis, watching her go through all of these tests is heartbreaking.  I feel terrible that she is going through all of this and hate watching McKenna struggle.  We just hope that she will be able to return to the same little wild girl we had a few weeks ago and she definitely seems like she is on her way.

Many, many thanks to everyone for your kind words and to all of our friends and family who have helped so much over the past few weeks.  We could not get through this without you!

Update

McKenna is back home now.  She was admitted to the hospital last Friday after waking with a high fever.  Doctors found a mild case of pneumonia and were very concerned about the unexplained limping and loss of muscle strenth.  Our little trooper had a rough weekend in the hospital and went through many, many tests.  They ultimately discharged her once her fever was gone and her vitals were stable but we still have no answers as to why she is limping and has such decreased strength.  We spent the day today at the neurologist's office doing more tests and she is now home connected to all kinds of wires for a 48 hour brain wave study monitoring for seizures.  My poor little girl has been through so much and we are just hoping there is an answer soon.

We appreciate everyone's thoughts, messages of encouragement and support.  It is so nice to have McKenna home.  I would love nothing more than to be blogging about the crazy antics my toddlers got into today.  Hopefully I will be doing that again soon.

Update on McKenna

This is Jessica's friend, Rebecca. Jessica asked me to write here to inform you all that McKenna was admitted to the hospital on Friday. She has pneumonia and still decreasing muscle control and coordination. The doctors are doing a battery of tests and they've yet to come to a conclusion.

Mark and Jessica appreciate of your thoughts and prayers. They have been with McKenna and have limited computer access, but will try to keep everyone updated when they have new information.

Please keep the prayers coming for the Watson's!

Our Little Mystery

Our little McKenna is a walking, well limping, mystery right now.  McKenna was a 28 weeker and suffered a grade III hemorrhage on both sides of her brain shortly after birth so we have always been on the lookout for development problems but up until this point she has done great.

A little over a week ago McKenna woke up with a very noticeable limp.  She did not act like she was in pain and kept up with her brother as usual while limping along.  She was still jumping, climbing, running, the usual two year-old routine.  Over the course of the week she has continued limping but seems to be becoming less coordinated.  She is falling a lot and having trouble with things that are usually easy for her like climbing the stairs.  We have been to the pediatrician, an orthopedic specialist and in to the ER for a CAT scan and blood work with no answers.

Of course this whole limping incident has us analyzing everything else she is doing and we started thinking about a few other behaviors we have seen...

Over the past few months she has been freezing when she gets bumped or jarred, even slightly.  She will stay completely still until we go over to her and snap her out of it.  And she is shaky.  She has always been a little bit shaky and on the uncoordinated side but lately the shakiness has increased, even when she is doing simple tasks.

So with lots of tests under our belt and no answers we are waiting until our next appointment with a neurologist and hoping that she wakes up tomorrow walking like her normal, little butt-wiggling self.

The Youngest

Being the youngest of the bunch has a few advantages:

1. You get to try table food at a very early age.  Like when your mom is driving the car and she hears your big brother say "Don't eat it all Sawyer, that is Kenna's" and she has to pull over the car to find out what you are eating, if you are choking and who had a good enough arm to throw it to you from their car seat.

2.  You can control an airplane from your car seat.  Like when your big brother puts the remote to his airplane behind the cushion in your car seat which causes you to have to sit on this big, uncomfortable plastic remote for who knows how long but does keep everyone looking for the remote and wondering why the airplane is moving and also gives you a chance to get him back and wear out the batteries.

3.  You never have to worry about being in the spotlight or doing any amazing tricks because even if you do, your mom can not keep the video camera on you long enough to capture it.

My Shoes

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work in the shoes so long that days will go by

before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

- Author Unknown

9 months

My little Sawyer is 9 months old today.

He is trying to crawl and eating fruits and veggies and chewing on everything his chubby little hands can reach.  He is every bit the baby of the family.
There are a moments each day where I am struck by the fact that he is my last.  That once he sits, crawls, walks there won't be another coming behind him.
I just love him to pieces and am soaking up every second of his babyhood.

Love you my rainbow baby!!

The Best of Friends

A few things...

Boy I went from a post a day to nothing, huh?

Luckily my month of pictures ended Sunday because that is when my mommy marathon of no one napping at the same time began again.  It is Thursday afternoon and this is the first time I have had a chance to sit at the computer for more than a minute all week.

Before I distract anyone with pictures I need sleep help.  My little Sawyer is totally against sleeping.  For the most part I have created my own problem because it is SO hard to get him to fall asleep on his own when little people are climbing my leg as I am trying to put him quietly in his room and I cannot let him cry it out.  For some reason the kids can sleep through each other wailing 5 feet from their crib but cannot sleep through Sawyer crying down the hall.  So a crying Sawyer makes for no napping or night-waking two year-olds and MUCH less sleep for us.

Anyway, with that long explanation, I need a good sleep program or book that does not involve crying it out.  I followed "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child" (or whatever that is called) to the letter with the bigger kids and they are great sleepers.  I'm afraid I am creating a monster here.  A cute, sweet little monster but definitely one who is not interested in sleep.

Since we are on the subject of things I need I'm looking for recommendations on some kind of climbing/jumping/sliding, safe for two-year-olds, contraption that we can keep in the house.  Oh and an organic, free of all the junk, kids soap/shampoo that smells good.  So far everything we have used has no scent and I miss that baby shampoo smell (although I'm sure that is where all the chemicals come in).

I think that's it, on to the pics...

I don't know why, I just love this picture. They were sharing water with two straws which was a big hit, and shortly thereafter a huge disaster...

Look at my perfect little children smiling while cleaning the flood they had just created.

I Made It

Whew, I made it through a month of posting a picture a day. It was fun to do but I'm glad the month is over and the pressure is off. I do plan to post more often than I used to but cannot do this everyday picture-taking business anymore. No Project 365 for me, Project 28 was enough. Good thing I picked a short month!

I had visions of some great family picture to post for my last day of the month post (think coordinating clothes, everyone sitting still looking at the camera, smiling). Needless to say I woke up from that dream and instead have my sure-bet-for-a-cute-picture-child to end the month with.

Thanks for visiting us everyday!