Thursday, February 11, 2010

Another 11th

Today is the only day of the month that I do not have a current picture to post.
I wish I did. I wish this day was just like any other.
Today is the 11th, Hadley's day.

On this day, 28 months ago, I said good bye to my baby girl. And on this day every month I am painfully aware of the fact that I am that much further away from the last time I held her.
My arms ache to do it again.

I wish I could share a cute story about what she did today or could laugh about something she said or the trouble she got into with her brother and sister but all I can do is share a memory from the few days I was lucky enough to have her...

The triplets were born at 28 weeks so there was a small army in the delivery room awaiting their arrival. We were as prepared as we could be for the fact that our babies may be critical and we would only see them briefly before they were whisked away to the NICU.
Mark and I were so relieved as they delivered one baby after another and the room was filled with the tiny cries of our very tiny babies. The NICU teams assessed the babies and brought them passed me one by one on their way to intensive care. Hadley was baby C so she was the last. As the nurse brought Hadley by I put out my hand and her tiny fingers grabbed onto mine. She was the only one I was able to touch.

In the blur of my c-section, this is my clearest moment.

I ache for my little girl and miss her every minute. Since losing Hadley I have felt a physical hole in my chest, right were I carried her, all curled up with her brother and sister. I still feel that hole, some days much more than others, and have come to terms with the fact that it must be some right of passage for being a loss mom.
Living life with a piece of you missing.

And so another 11th has come and is almost gone. I struggle with feeling like we are somehow leaving Hadley behind but know, deep down, that we are not. She is here every day whether it be through the memory of her touch or that little empty space in my chest, we will always have her.


Jill said...

Yes, Hadley is with you everyday. That is such a sweet picture of her holding your finger. I cried as I read this because I wish Hadley was with you. I wish all of our babies were with us.


Nana said...

I love you and my heart aches for you & Mark and I wish you could see and touch all of your children.

Steph said...

I'm sorry. Is there something you do to mark the date? Maybe some fun activity with the other kids in memory of Hadley? Some sort of small family tradition that they can grow up with - especially her triplet sibs?

I also wanted to thank you for something you didn't even know you did. I have a friend who is pregnant with twins and one of the babies has been diagnosed with trisomy 18. As you might know T18 has an over 50% chance of still birth and about a 98% chance of death before age 1. I have gone back and looked through your blog and found some of the resources that you have mentioned and passed them along to this family. If you have any other words of wisdom or any advice for me as a friend of someone who will likely experience loss, please do pass it along. Thanks again for your openness and honesty with regards to this difficult subject.

Proud parents of FOUR! said...

Hadley always has a special place in my heart as well. Hugs!

Jessica said...

Thanks so much for all of the support, everyone. It always feels good to spill it all here.

Steph- I'm so glad you were able to find some resources to share with your friend. I can't imagine what she must be going through, knowing she will lose a child. One of the best resources would be eLIMBO if you didn't direct her there already. There are other women in that group who are in her exact situation.

Aunt Marianne said...

Hadley will always have a very special place in the Riney/Bridges/Watson families. She will never be forgotten. She made a big impact on our lives in her short time with us.

Anonymous said...

I think of Hadley often and will never forget that she went to heaven on October 11th. I wish you could hold her and that we could all watch her grow with Parker and McKenna. Most of all, I wish I could take away the hurt that you feel, but know that's not possible. Aunt Nancy

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to share my story. My mum went into premature labour with triplets(me and my sisters)

At birth(25-03-90) J weighed 2lb 9oz
I weighed 2lb 1oz
Emily weighed a tiny 1lb 15oz. Sadly Emily lost her battle for life on August 18th 1990. She is an angel just like Hadley and I think of her everyday and wonder what she would have been like.

Thinking of you, your kids

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