Another 11th

Today is the only day of the month that I do not have a current picture to post.

I wish I did. I wish this day was just like any other.

Today is the 11th, Hadley's day.

On this day, 28 months ago, I said good bye to my baby girl. And on this day every month I am painfully aware of the fact that I am that much further away from the last time I held her.

My arms ache to do it again.

I wish I could share a cute story about what she did today or could laugh about something she said or the trouble she got into with her brother and sister but all I can do is share a memory from the few days I was lucky enough to have her...

The triplets were born at 28 weeks so there was a small army in the delivery room awaiting their arrival. We were as prepared as we could be for the fact that our babies may be critical and we would only see them briefly before they were whisked away to the NICU.

Mark and I were so relieved as they delivered one baby after another and the room was filled with the tiny cries of our very tiny babies. The NICU teams assessed the babies and brought them passed me one by one on their way to intensive care. Hadley was baby C so she was the last. As the nurse brought Hadley by I put out my hand and her tiny fingers grabbed onto mine. She was the only one I was able to touch.

In the blur of my c-section, this is my clearest moment.

I ache for my little girl and miss her every minute. Since losing Hadley I have felt a physical hole in my chest, right were I carried her, all curled up with her brother and sister. I still feel that hole, some days much more than others, and have come to terms with the fact that it must be some right of passage for being a loss mom.

Living life with a piece of you missing.

And so another 11th has come and is almost gone. I struggle with feeling like we are somehow leaving Hadley behind but know, deep down, that we are not. She is here every day whether it be through the memory of her touch or that little empty space in my chest, we will always have her.